So, I came home & I watched “Xanadu” for some Goddamned reason. And at some point, I realized that it’s one of those movies I actually ENJOY watching.
Holy mother of God, do I regret this realization.
Because this fucking pile doesn’t just defy ALL moviemaking logic. It defies movie musical logic, which is next to impossible. Hell, it even defies the logic of movies I normally like.
It throws all common sense out the window & just says, “Fuck it!” ONJ wanted another vehicle & SPLIK-KOW!
HOLLYWOOD FATCAT - Hey, everybody! Remember “Grease?” Yeah, “Grease” was cool, huh? Well, this is like “Grease” except with skates! I know, right? This CAN’T fail!
One Week Later…
Maybe it’s a nostalgia thing that allows me to ignore the shittiness of “Xanadu.” I remember seeing the soundtrack in friends’ & family’s record collections & being hypnotized by this photo.
The whole concept of ELO blew my mind as a kid anyway. Mostly it was their logo, I think. And the fact that hot, hot, hot ONJ was involved pretty much sealed the deal.
Still, there’s a LOT about this movie that stinks on ice. It looks like most of the people involved lost a bet.
Man, Gene Kelly, what happened?
I guess if you’re Gene Kelly & the last thing you did was a Dorothy Hamill TV special & “Viva Knievel,”
your career’s ass has already been reamed, so what’s one more poke?
And I think I’ve already covered this on another regret, but Michael Beck must’ve run over his agent’s cat or something.
This is like penance.
Michael, I have to ask, “How do you go from THIS
And then go on to be in the shit sandwich known as “Megaforce?”
Was this REALLY what you intended with your career?
Yeah, I know you are, but…
Please explain to me what the FUCK is happening in just 50% of this movie. I don’t think you can.
That face you’re all making in unison? That tells me all I need to know.
Honestly, I can’t deny my love of this cinematic fuckus. Even though I regret watching it tonight.
Oh, ONJ. Even your latter-day sins can’t cancel out my love for the poppy gooeyness of “Magic.”
Well, apparently I AM.
I found myself flip-flopping about this purchase for about a week, but I finally made it happen yesterday. And now I regret what will happen when they get here.
Will I keep them in their packaging?
Will I open them up & pose them on my desk as God intended?
Or will I wind up doing a combination of the two:
• Buying another set
• Opening one
• Keeping the other in plastic
See, THIS is why I don’t collect action figures. As much as I still think like a child, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m an adult who needs TWO of everything.
You know, just in case I lose one/one gets fucked-up.
I’ve had these fuckers since 1997. From looking like a social outcast in the late 90’s to being smack dab in the middle of the “librarian-glasses-everybody-wants” phase to the present, we’ve been through a LOT together.
They were the cheapest frames I could afford at the time. And they were different from what everybody else was wearing.
That’s right. Fucking LensCrafters. And you know what LensCrafters doesn’t make anymore?
The Truman Grey Fade. So, I’ve always regretted that I didn’t pick up two pairs. And now my secret shame is wanting to buy two of everything just in case one goes the way of the dodo.
And not to shit on DC or anything, but I regret that they haven’t made action figures of the Morrison run of Doom Patrol. I mean, the old school DM figures are boss, but what I wouldn’t give for Brotherhood Of Dada action figures.
Or the Scissormen.
Or fuck, THIS awesome dude.
Or the absolute cherry on the tree, a Danny The Street playset.
Maybe even make the street signs & storefronts out of dry erase board, so you could write whatever you want on them.
Alright. Let it go, Sam. Just let it go.
On a completely unrelated note, I regret that I don’t have the cojones to own something like THIS.
This fucker is apocalypse-ready. A barely street legal machine that doesn’t fuck with pleasantries.
It’s not really ME anyway. Remember I’m the guy who just ordered Doom Patrol action figures & bitched about not being able to buy his old reliable nerd glasses.
Yeah, it’s badassery on wheels, but I just couldn’t pull it off.
Also, apocalypse or not, I’ll never be a diesel guy.
Alright, so let’s get into it about the kid who fucked a Hot Pocket.
"Well, what do you know? I buried the lead."
Whether or not you know who I’m talking about, it doesn’t really matter. That’s the alpha & omega of it, really.
You see, he started by fucking Pop Tart boxes.
Long story short, THIS happened.
The kid wanted attention. As do ALL 18-year-olds. But as you can tell, he more than DOUBLED the amount of retweets he was looking for. Which calculates to roughly 868 more dumbasses than I would’ve guessed.
Regardless, he did it & lived to tell the tale.
And this mental midget took his “I-fucked-a-Hot-Pocket” schtick all the way to the, uhhhhh…
Wait. You know. That PLACE? The place where you spend all the money you make off Twitter?
Ummmmmmmm… It’s called the, uhhhhhhh…
DAMMIT! I had it. No, not the bank.
N o w h e r e.
Yes, yes, yes. We ALL had a BIG laugh at this fucknozzle’s expense.
But I’m gonna cut him a little slack, since he’s 18 in a world where this kind of shit is commonplace. Hell, if social networks had existed when I was his age, I might’ve done the same thing to get attention.
You’re right, Rotunda. I wouldn’t have.
I mean, it might’ve been tempting to send dick pics, make a food-humping Vine or even Cake-Fart-Skype™. But I probably wouldn’t have actually gone through with it.
But kudos to this kid for breaking new ground in the name of being “Internet famous” for a week (if THAT long).
If anything, I regret that:
A) “Internet famous” is still something people aspire to.
B) Women (okay, GIRLS) are seeing this guy as boyfriend material.
Whether you’re “JK” or not, you’re encouraging this, sweetheart.
But my overarching regret is that we live in such a digitally inundated, ADHD, fucked-up world that Thot Pocket probably won’t even make a Best Of 2014 list or a future “Where Are They Now” segment.
This’ll be where he peaked. And nobody’s gonna remember him in a month.
(cue “The Lonely Man" as Thot Pocket [now in his 30’s] sits in a La-Z-Boy, sticking his dick in his 5,000th Hot Pocket, tweeting & crying with a belt around his neck)
I’ve passed by this boarded-up storefront a lot lately.
It’s been a number of businesses over the years, but most recently it was a makeshift church. Stuck around for a while, too. But it inevitably closed up shop. Now the only evidence of it is THIS.
And every time I pass by it, I regret that it wasn’t a religion based on the teachings of Lee Ving.
Though maybe it was & I’ve missed my only chance to kneel at the altar of Fear’s lead singer.
The very thought of Lee Ving as a preacher makes snake-handling look like a Baptist’s lock-in.
Man, religion can be fucking scary.
I moved to Minnesota willingly. And regardless of what I write on Regret-A-Day (including in this very post), I’m glad I did.
For instance, when I post a regret like DAY 1115, I tend to get the old “Well, you chose to move there” speech. And that’s fair. But I’ll always come back to a previous regret on DAY 1100. It pretty much sums up why I stay here winter after winter,
commute after commute,
vortex after vortex.
Seriously, CLICK HERE if you want to know why I put up with this every winter. If you’re not from around these parts, it may make you want to venture north & invest in:
• A good pair of boots
• A thick, heavy coat
• Maybe a shovel or two
• The mostly infallible ability to walk like a penguin on ice
Yeah, maybe. And maybe Minnesota’s the most creatively fulfilling place I’ve ever lived. The only price to pay?
Uh-huh. But no matter how bad it gets, Minnesotans get on with their lives. Which is another reason I love this place.
Well, about a week ago, we got hit with about 10 inches of snow. Then it immediately froze overnight.
State troopers were telling people to stay off the roads. Our Department of Transportation declared most highways impassable.
Well, now it’s over a week later & most roads are still like the bridge at the end of “Escape From New York.”
SPOILER ALERT: I really hated to see Mrs. John Carpenter get wasted. Such a waste of a gorgeous woman, both on the plot point AND John Carpenter side.
Again, Minnesotans get on with their lives. From the oldsters
to the hipsters,
Minnesotans are getting out there & dealing with it. (Present company included in both of those demos, ‘natch.) But I regret that nobody’s come up with a better way to combat the icy road strips of death.
Our battalion of snowplows can only do so much.
That’s why I’ve come up with a perfect solution. I call it the Heat-Miser™.
And I’m not talking about creating a 20’ tall, genetically superior abomination that towers above the Twin Cities, spitting fire & brimstone on the roads until they’re clean as a cat’s ass.
THIS is what I’m talking about.
Okay, MAYBE we’d take off the rocket launchers & canon, but the point is that it’s got a fire turret at the bottom that burns the ice off any road.
Get a few hundred of these things out on the roads & we’d be in business. Given, I stole the idea whole hog from “Metal Slug X.”
But still, a good idea is a good idea, I say.
So, hear you go, MNDOT. This one’s on me.
Sometimes I pass by things every single day & regret that I don’t notice their awesomeness until I take a closer look.
For example, there’s a dude whose car’s been in the same spot for over a week in my parking deck.
And what with the dust & snow that’s blowing around this place, well…
BAM! “Pound Town!” But it doesn’t stop there.
That’s right. Owning a black car really is the epitome of wussitude.
Oh, yeah. HAD to go there. Whatta’ poopy pants!
I’m assuming this was a completely different “dirt tagger.” Otherwise, why write “turd” or “dick” & then turn around & offer such a passive salutation?
I think this section was reserved for their doodling phase. You know, just trying stuff out before the coup de grace…
YESSSSSSSS!! That’s right! On your feet, people! YEEEAAHHHH!!!
Dammit, Frank Ocean, this standing O isn’t for you. And what the fuck is Chris Brown doing still sitting down. Whatta’ fucking monster!
On a slightly different note, I regret the fact that THIS is still tabloid fodder.
But more importantly, I regret the fact that the female body image thing can’t make enough strides to abolish bullshit like this. It’s always two steps forward & 10 steps back.
Look, I’m not gonna use this forum to defend this slimy, non-celebrity species, but
attacking Kim Kardashian for having a wonderfully chunky ass & realistic female shape in general isn’t the way to go. Especially since most of your readership is probably Kim Kardashian-shaped.
Okay, done. Hold on.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAIT. But THIS cover has…
while THIS cover about how her butt won’t stop growing has the same…
Okay, fuck this.
CAVEAT: This regret was written yesterday & stashed in my queue. As of last night, AZ Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the anti-gay bill. Since there are still at least 10 states trying to pass this bill in one form or another, I’ve decided to keep it posted as-is, as the points I make below still apply. Enjoy.
Okay, so the Arizona anti-gay thing. I already know what side I’M on.
But I regret that nobody’s really covered the few basic problems with this whole Goddamned, stupid mess. Here are a few examples:
• HERE’S YOUR SIGN
I’ve seen this up in just about EVERY restaurant/bar in existence. It’s kind of like an “at-will” employment agreement. You’ve ALWAYS been able to kick out whoever. But passing a law based on a straightforward business owner’s right makes you look like even bigger, out-of-touch bigots than we thought you were.
• I GUESS YOU DON’T WANT A THRIVING BUSINESS
Hey, it’s YOUR shithole. Again, kick out who you want. But you may want to think about something first. Don’t expect any new clientele once the retarded, cancer-filled cast of your “Cheers” bar kicks the bucket. (That also translates to no new income, BTW. Whoops!)
• CAN YOU EVEN SPOT A “GAY?” (PART 1)
Not sure who you THINK you’re banning, but they’re probably not gonna come “swishing” or “prancing” into your establishment. They’re EVERYWHERE now, dressed like “normals.” And since you’ve “outed” yourself as a homophobe, even the biggest “gays” are probably going incognito to get their lip-glossed mouths around your radical cheese fries.
In other words, don’t expect them to enter your Shoney’s dressed like THIS:
• WHAT ARE YOU REALLY AFRAID OF?
I get that you’re old, scared & Republican. But at least TWO of those things can be stripped away with just a little understanding. Just so we’re clear, your gay customers will be keeping their pants on. Nobody’s asking you to suck a dick. And in case you haven’t heard, you can’t “catch gay.”
• CAN YOU EVEN SPOT A “GAY?” (PART 2)
Georgia’s getting in on this homo-hating action, too. Good for them! There’s nothing like refusing service to firefighters & cops, am I right? And what about servicemen/servicewomen? Wait a minute. Didn’t you “defend their honor” during a certain, unnecessary war a while back? Hmmmmmm. Oh, nothing. Interesting double standard, that’s all.
Again, I know where MY bread is buttered. I guess I know where I’m NOT spending my golden years.
Looks like it’s negative degree retirement weather for me!
CAVEAT: This post is no slight to George & Ringo’s contributions.
There’s always gonna be this argument.
Not that it can be that cut & dry, really. But if you fall in the Beatles’ camp, I also believe there’s a sub-debate that boils to the surface.
Regardless of their harmonious beginnings, Lennon & McCartney’s songwriting styles couldn’t have been more different towards the end.
Lennon publicly called McCartney’s songs “Grandma music” & McCartney has been reported as saying Lennon’s stuff was somewhat hypocritical, espousing a worldview that wasn’t needed in pop music.
Well, we all know the results.
Once their solo careers kicked in, these stylistic differences were obvious. Listen to a Lennon album & a McCartney album back-to-back. It’s fairly clear which guy contributed what to certain Beatles’ songs.
For my money, I’ve always been more of a McCartney fan.
Yes, he’s more poppy.
Yes, his stuff is simplistic.
Yes, he’s no Lennon.
Look, I know all this stuff. But I grew up hearing more of his songs on the radio as a kid.
Take a song like "Let ‘Em In" for example.
On the surface, it’s seems REALLY one-dimensional. But like most of his stuff, it’s multi-layered in the most fascinating way. Plus, I’m a sucker for a wacky trombone solo.
And that’s where we’re at today, my friends.
Now, I’m not normally a “greatest hits guy.” But I owned THIS album for many years.
Then the other day, I found a decent deal on THIS album.
Just an extension of “All The Best,” really. And I kept coming back to "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey."
Although I always dig McCartney’s “three-songs-in-one” technique, I regret that we never got JUST an “Uncle Albert” song. The goofy cornet solo not withstanding, the whole “Admiral Halsey” section always bugged me.*
Seriously, if this song had trailed off at 2:15, I would be JUST FINE.
All that being said, I’d still take "Ram" over ANY Lennon album.
You know, just my 2¢.
I’ve never been much of a Redbox guy.
But people seem to still be “renting” movies this way. Even fairly upscale people who hit up this Lunds Redbox.
However, I usually associate Redbox with people like THIS guy,
Yeah, I guess renting movies without a membership card or paying a monthly fee to Netflix would get me that excited, too, pal.
But my preconceived notions are FAR & AWAY from the truth obviously. Because there are millions of people who’ve jumped onto the Redbox bandwagon over the years who DON’T face a $300 bond.
Like this wonderfully middle class example:
Or THIS loving dad:
REDBOX DAD - Son, I’m about to introduce you to the nuanced comedy of Jim Varney. (hands kid "Slam Dunk Ernest" & diploma made of human skin) Welcome to adulthood.
I don’t exactly regret that I’ve never picked up anything from Redbox, but I regret that I came across a title yesterday that could possibly change my tune.
Oooooooo, NOT rated.
Then I watched the trailer for this thing. And I regret that it got made.
Well, it’s a Lifetime movie, so it’s obviously top drawer entertainment. But still, the cast list looks like a bunch of actors who took this gig out of penance.
Cary Elwes, how many hookers must you murder/eat the intestines of before your bloodlust is quenched?
Honestly, everybody in this flick looks like they hate themselves in the process of making it
or being interviewed about it.
Although I guess Adam Goldberg isn’t the best example.
Happy Adam Goldberg:
Angry Adam Goldberg:
He’s a regular rollercoaster of subtle acting choices, that guy.
But they snagged Academy Award winner Martin Landau?!?!
At least the guy behind him is hamming it up for an Emmy.
And let’s not forget the director. Mary Harron is famous for directing “American Psycho,” which is a personal favorite of mine.
But even SHE looks like she’s on the verge of suicide.
I don’t even think the gentleman playing Anna Nicole really looks like Anna Nicole. Well, except for the obvious.
I guess some guys will do ANYTHING for a role.
I’d also like to add an additional regret about these biopics. Every once & a while, you’ll see something like this hovering around the shitty entertainment sites:
Okay, let’s call a spade a spade here. Stop calling it a “telefilm.”
I KNOW it may be the preferred nomenclature, but don’t get all high & mighty, Lifetime. It’s a “made-for-TV movie” at best. Let’s don’t lie to ourselves.
But mostly I regret that they’re gonna find a way to make her life more melodramatic than it actually was.
Ha-HAAAA! Never mind. This dude is fucking HIL-ARIOUS!
I’m hitting up the Walgreen’s Redbox on the way home.
If you were to make an infographic that symbolizes all the stupid shit I bitch about on Regret-A-Day, it’d probably consist of the following:
• The 90’s
• Video games
And it’d probably look a little something like THIS:
Jitterbugging Christ! I need to see a doctor!
Anyhoo, today’s regret covers off on at least TWO of these topics. So, let me take you back to the 90’s, my children.
In this GIF, Jesse Spano represents the entertainment industry & Slater is you/your childhood/the American public expecting cool shit.
Even when I was living in this decade, the 90’s always seemed to be straddling one of these two notions:
• Desperately trying to shake off the 80’s
• Desperately trying to be the year 2000
I hate to generalize, but that’s how I viewed it then & now. And I know you can’t necessarily judge an ENTIRE decade with such a glib worldview, but guess what.
Sure, there were bright spots. Now, I’m not going the whole Nirvana route because that’s too easy. Instead, let’s take Beck, for instance.
I knew a shitload of people who wrote this dude off as soon as “Loser” came out. But when he dropped THIS thing two years later,
people were drinking the purple “shut-up juice.”
So, again, many bright spots. But look at the decade with these two parameters in mind:
• Desperately trying to shake off the 80’s
• Desperately trying to be the year 2000
You’ll see where I’m going very soon. Let’s step back into the quaint, old 90’s for a bit.
Among the many fads of this sprawling decade was a little thing called “virtual reality.”
In the early 90’s, it was the “concept car” that every tech head & their brother promised would be an everyday occurrence very, very soon.
It was that thing that some faceless mob of scientists was tinkering with, making it a wet dream for every kid at the time.
There was even a CYBERMind virtual reality simulator in a local mall I frequented. I played it a lot (for a monstrous fee of $5 a pop) & I’ll be the first one to tell you that I was HELLA impressed.
If you’d told me this was how I’d be living out my golden years, I would’ve said, “Sign me UP!” Although I was a LOT less skeptical back then.
But you also had Hollywood leading the “virtual reality” charge.
You know, back when you’re stupid enough to actually trust Hollywood, while believing that most of the songs on the radio are worth buying an entire album for.
My point is, the ignorant, gullible public will buy into just about anything that’s supposedly the next big thing, from horrible dances
to technology that’s taking us into uncharted territory.
Well, even my naive sensitivities were tested when I saw “The Lawnmower Man” in the theater. It was at that point that I realized this “virtual reality” hokum they were selling us was still a LONG way away.
Alright, back to now.
Fuck! That GIF was TOTALLY unnecessary. I’m SO FUCKING SORRY.
I recently became acquainted with something called Oculus Rift.
It’s taken more years than it should have, but this team has perfected the “virtual reality” concept. For video games, that is.
People are basically nutting themselves over this shit.
And I mean the old-school definition of “literally” here. Check out THIS guy.
That’s virtual porn in action, my friends. Nutting is CLEARLY imminent.
But Oculus Rift’s biggest achievement is transforming games people are used to into powerhouses of metaphysical nut-worthiness.
To me, this concept is pretty sweet, even though I’m not much of a gamer. And considering this “virtual reality” garbage has turned into the technological equivalent of killer bees going stateside,
I think we’re due.
However, I regret that Oculus Rift’s biggest achievement has also yielded results like recreating non-first person shooters like “The Legend Of Zelda.”
Again, not knocking what they’re going for here, but watching the Beta testing walkthrough made me nauseous as hell.
I also felt like if I played Zelda as a first person shooter, I’d be even more lost than I was in the original Zelda.
So, here’s where my mind’s at.
I played Zelda for the first time in my 20’s. It wasn’t necessarily part of my childhood. And like the 90’s, I can view these types of things with less reverence. You know, like an adult would.
So, regardless of how you take my POV of the 90’s, keep in mind that some of the adults in the house see THIS
& want to hate on the fact that it’s a piece of your childhood that you’re unwilling to see as fucking horrible.
But hey! I was born in the 70’s.
So, I kind of feel you, kids.
I’ve never been much of an action figure guy in my adult years. Although I’d give my left nut for a cool Ambush Bug figure.
BTW, THIS is not what I consider cool.
Maybe something along these lines.
Although it’s a custom design that’s not available to the public, so no dice.
Anyhoo, I guess I view action figures like I view tattoos.
For instance, does she love Pac-Man THAT much?
Even if you really like “Eastbound & Down,” is it worth this much trouble?
And I plead the 5th on this one.
You’d better make good on your tattoo’s promise, me compadre.
The point is, my tastes are fairly varied, which means I don’t think I’ll ever land on anything that’s tattoo-worthy. And the same goes for action figures.
I mean, I COULD pop the cherry on these Doom Patrol figures,
but then I’d be that guy who couldn’t decide whether or not I should take them out of the package.
For that reason, I’m actually glad I’m not an action figure guy. But that’s not the ONLY reason. The niche action figure market has exploded over the years. Which leads me to today’s regret.
That’s right. A Masters Of The Universe/Stan Lee mashup of regrettable proportions.
The question isn’t “why” necessarily as much as “WHY THE FUCK?”
I mean, I’m all for suspension of disbelief, but JEEZ!
You can make him all buff if you want, but the glasses?
Although I guess you wouldn’t know it was Stan “The Man” without them, right?
Still, you had to keep the mustache, too?
No offense to Man-At-Arms, of course.
I just don’t see grown men buying this figure, even if they were collectors.
Though maybe there’s a sucker born every minute.