Look, I know EVERYBODY fucking loves bacon, alright?
Your fascination with bacon has been noted.
Just eat your damn bacon & stop talking about it, please.
I don’t care about the fucked-up ways you’ve been preparing it.
Or the CRAZY things you’ve eaten with bacon on them.
Bacon’s done. You can love it all you want, but please realize that it’s played the F out at this point. Has been for a long time, in fact.
Wanna know why?
How about THIS?
Yep. THAT Reebok. They’re making bacon now. You can have it shipped to your fucking HOUSE!
Oh, stick a sock in your dickhole, you spaz.
Listen, as much as I admire the overall branding & copywriting going on here,
I regret that this is actually a thing. A shoe company manufacturing Goddamned bacon.
Harrumph. HARRUMPH, I say!
I didn’t get a “harrumph” outta’ that guy!
If you were blind to the fact that bacon had already jumped the shark, this, my bacon-loving friends, is your wake-up call.
I’ve read up on this, BTW. And I’m well aware of what they’re doing. Read up on it if you want. I’m not wasting any more words on this shit.
Again, I’m done with everybody’s bacon boners.
Just eat your stupid bacon & shut up about it.
Next up? A guy walking the streets of Minneapolis in a hospital gown.
I’m not shitting you. I was at a red light when I noticed him slinking by.
You know, I was young & dumb once. In my 20s, I used to rock old pajama shirts. But again, young & dumb. I’ve never exactly been a fashion plate. But THIS guy?
He hasn’t actually escaped from a hospital (mental or otherwise). He’s clearly wearing shorts & sneakers. It was a conscious act on his part.
This is a guy who actually thought,
"You know what? I’m just gonna fucking wear THIS out in public."
His fucking friends showed up & were like,
"Yeah, whatever. Hurry up, asshole. We’re gonna be late for ‘Sex Tape.’"
Like the aforementioned movie, there’s nothing funny about this shit.
I regret that I saw it. And I regret that this - very much like Reebok Bacon - may actually catch on.
I simply ask that if you plan on wearing hospital gowns around town, don’t do it in the name of fashion.
If you’re gonna go all “Titicut Follies,” be a man & go all the way.
There are albums out there that bring back REALLY great memories.
As soon as you hear them, it’s like you’re immediately transported back to the first time you heard them. And let’s say things were going really well for you back then.
On the flip side, there are also albums that represent a not-so-great time in your life.
And as soon as you hear THEM, you’re in a funk, thinking about how they represent a low point in your past.
Well, I have a few of those. Albums I used to REALLY love, but ones that have been tainted by unfortunate events.
Anyhoo, I dropped by a yard sale today. Theirs, in fact.
Lots of fun, geeky stuff to sift through. As usual, I was drawn to CDs & comics.
I was slightly proud of myself for coming away with only a few things. But one of the things I wound up buying was THIS album.
I should also point out that, yes, there was actually a SECOND Edie Brickell & New Bohemians album. It was the 1990 follow-up to THIS one:
“What I Am" sound familiar? Good. Because that little single helped "Shooting Rubberbands" go double platinum back in ‘88.
Well, the same can’t be said about their sophomore effort.
It sold about 500,000. But I always felt it was a LOT stronger than “Shooting Rubberbands At The Stars.”
Alright. So how does this apply to what I was talking about?
“Ghost Of A Dog" was in my ex-wife’s collection. We listened to it so much, we basically had that thing memorized. And after we split up, this album (along with Tom Waits’ “Bone Machine”) became synonymous with a lot of horrible feelings I was struggling with at the time.
Yeah, well. That was a long time ago.
For years, I’d see “Ghost Of A Dog” on CD racks & pass on buying it because of the emotional baggage associated with it. Too many painful memories wrapped up in that thing.
Then yesterday happened.
I actually bought it. Not sure why. I just saw it & bought it.
As soon as I slid it into my car’s CD player, I kind of braced myself for any unwanted emotions that could potentially flood over me.
But nothing happened.
I was able to enjoy this album for what it was, not what it used to represent. And I regret that I spent all these years apart from it for reasons that have no bearing on the here & now.
Every once & a while, I find myself strolling into a Kmart.
Somehow I expect to find an inkling of the Kmart I used to know & love.
Okay, maybe that’s a little strong.
But Kmart was pretty much the only game in town back in the day. Something about that place really brings back great memories for me.
I’m talking about Coke Icees,
boxes of popcorn,
but not necessarily the shopping experience.
Anyhoo, I was in one today, looking for new white t’s. And I’ll start by saying that paying for plain white t-shirts is tantamount to paying for razor blades for me.
It’s the greatest scam perpetrated on the public. And I know they package t-shirts like they’re doing YOU a favor by buying them.
"Oh, look! USED to be only five in there. But now I’m getting SEVEN!"
And maybe that’s a bargain. I don’t know. I just think that they’re not only too expensive, but there are too damn many brands.
Okay, that’s not even my point anyway, so let’s move on.
Whenever I’m in ANY store, my internal compass always points me in the direction of the “Electronics” department.
Or as some Kmarts call it, the “M & V.”
Well, I found myself dicking around in this sad maze of dying technology. And since I still buy stuff like this, I wound up in the music section.
Let me just say, they had EVERYTHING, from A
Most of which was at rock-bottom prices.
If you’re looking for a good deal on 90’s washouts,
Needing to expand your new jack swing library on the cheap?
But if you’ve been waiting to snag Metallica’s “Black Album,”
stay away from Kmart. $17.99!?!?! STILL? Seriously?
But what really got me about Kmart’s M & V section was that I regret coming down with something I like to call “Brewster’s Palsy.”
In other words, seeing things that I SINCERELY don’t need, but feel like I should buy because there’s a good deal on them.
Here’s a good example:
I don’t like “Starsky & Hutch.” I never watched “Starsky & Hutch.” And yet, I felt like I should buy it because it was only $10.
Here’s another example:
Do I NEED the complete series of “Ultraman?” Maybe. And at that price, why SHOULDN’T I own it? Well, because I don’t actually want it.
I feel like it’s a slippery slope. I’m afraid I’ll eventually be that fucked-up hoarder who talks to himself, wears tissue boxes for shoes & wanders Kmarts, buying ANYTHING he sees a good deal on.
Lastly, I regret seeing this as I was leaving.
On one hand, it was actually heart-warming, seeing a kid get excited about one of these damn things. Because I remember being excited about these little merry-go-rounds, too.
But she rode it three times. And she seemed too old for it.
And ultimately, it made me sad because this filthy, half broken-down, depressing little hayride was probably the highlight of her day. And possibly her childhood.
POSTSCRIPT: I still wound up buying this.
DC has spent a majority of its existence playing catch-up with Marvel.
The way history tells it, DC was the bigger kid on the playground for decades. But eventually, Marvel grew up & started horning in on the action, leaving DC to - for the most part - become Pepsi to Marvel’s Coke.
This horribly rendered, CGI garbage pretty much encapsulates it.
Notice I said “for the most part.” Although DC has trailed Marvel in the past, there HAVE been some noticeable exceptions.
Universe-altering stories that defined the word “crossover,”
reinventions of classic characters that shaped how we’d view them
& even genre-bending tales that gave birth to countless imitators.
And yet, none of these groundbreaking moves would’ve happened if DC hadn’t been busting ass to be as gritty & impactful as Marvel.
I’ve railed on DC’s domination in the animation realm before. I like to think it officially started in 1992 with one little cartoon:
It only lasted a mere three years, but it shaped everything they did from then on, blossoming into some seriously expansive shit for the DCU.
Well, even though they can lay claim to one my favorite live-action superhero debuts/sequels,
they’ve always struggled to keep up with Marvel Studios’ massive lead in that arena.
Sure, there have been a few blumpkins in the past for Marvel,
but their latter-day victories FAR outshine their past failures.
And now that DC has stepped up & decided that it’s FINALLY time to compete & not put out flick after flick of pointless origin stories of characters even 2-year-olds know about, we arrive at today’s regret.
Great. The fucking Rock as “Shazam.”
You know what? I don’t really care.
And you know why? Because I don’t fucking care about “Shazam.” I’ll even misquote Max Landis by saying, “YOU don’t fucking care about ‘Shazam.’ Even if you think you do.”
Hell, I didn’t even care about him when I watched his live-action series in the 70’s.
Billy Batson’s expression on the left there? That was me.
So, do you really think my opinion would change now that we’re 30 years out from that pile?
That’s right, Moz. It hasn’t changed.
Shazam (AKA Captain Marvel) is just a goody-two-shoes version of Supes to me.
Even though Grant Morrison did some fun stuff with this character in his JLA run, the ONLY interesting thing about Shazam is his arch-nemesis, Black Adam.
A character with about 1000x more depth & sincerity than Shazam EVER had, in my opinion.
Surprise! Turns out, The Rock was campaigning to be THAT character, too. But now we’ve got him as Shazam. And I regret that this flick is in DC’s future.
Mainly because all I can see is this dude as Black Adam
& Shazam being played by the obvious choice.
Yeah, I know, I know. Nobody would cast Warburton as Shazam.
But every geek worth their salt knows that Shazam was originally modeled after THIS guy.
Yep. Fred “My Three Sons”/”Absent-Minded Professor”/”Double Indemnity” MacMurray.
So, is Warburton REALLY that much of a stretch now?
And if you wanna use The Rock so badly, I can think of a couple of DCU characters he would bring his A-game to.
And it’s not like I actually MADE these two images. I don’t have even these rudimentary of skills. The INTERNET is to blame!
So, here’s what I propose, DC. It’s from the heart because I’m one of your fading demographics & champions.
Listen to the people from now on. Maybe even do a damn Google search like I did. Even the diehard Marvel geeks will see your movies.
But you need step this shit up. Soon.
Because a third-tier set of Marvel characters (that just about NOBODY outside of true geeks knows about) is getting ready to smoke your ass.
Let me start by saying that I’m not much of a country fan. Although being from the South means that there are a few things that have seeped into my DNA.
This album, for instance.
Even though this was a staple of most Southern crackers’ record collections, I never actually owned it. However, I somehow know 90% of the songs on it.
Sad, but true, my friend. Not sure how. Blame it on:
• Rampant radio airplay
• “Couples Only” skates
• Friends who owned it
The point is that I still have a visceral reaction when I hear songs like “Ruby (Don’t Take Your Love To Town),”or “Lucille.” And don’t even get me started on ”She Believes In Me.” Total crytown. Not sure why.
And let’s not forget about THIS phenomenon:
I mean, a LOT of people make a big deal about the time Run DMC & Aerosmith teamed up.
But that’s fucking peanuts in my book.
When Rogers recorded Richie’s “Lady" (which was also produced by Richie), this was probably the most colossal step ANY two music genres had ever made. Or HAS ever made.*
I mean, the closest African-Americans got to country was THIS dude up to that point.
These two singer/songwriters legitimately dug each other,
regardless of what their respective industries thought of it.
Okay, so I’m building up to something here.
Like many of you, I’ve been seeing that stupid Kenny Rogers Geico commercial a lot lately.
You know, the “Did You Know” about “The Gambler?”
Well, I’ve been thinking about how much I hate this commercial. Mainly because the guy who says, ”Playing cards with Kenny Rogers gets old really fast,”
ISN’T ONE OF THE FUCKING CARD PLAYERS.
I know, Neil deGrasse Tyson. It boggles even YOUR mind. Or are you rolling your eyes because this is a worthless thing to be upset about?
Alright, alright. There’s no need for THAT. Act like an adult, please.
Anyhoo, seeing that commercial obviously got me thinking about Kenny Rogers again. And after a little research, I found out that his potential fluke, “The Gambler” TV movie series,
didn’t just spawn ONE sequel.
It shit out a third (read as “turd”),
a fourth (read as “farth”)
& a fifth (read as “filth”).
Sure, that last one has Dixie Carter, “Law & Order” & Loni Anderson going for it, but dammit.
I guess I regret that something as one-note as “The Gambler” -
a song I actually used to like - would produce something this sad & drawn-out (with the possibility of a sixth one on the way).
Ugh. I’m just happy my all-time favorite Kenny Rogers song
never got this kind of half-assed treatment.
* The Rogers/Richie combo also never spawned something as fucking horrible as THIS.
Check & fucking mate, bitch.
I’ve seen most of Alexander Payne’s films.
For the record, I’ve dug what I’ve seen.
And I’m sure there are some film scholars who could pick out a Payne film with a name-this-director-in-one-scene quiz.
I couldn’t honestly tie any of his films together from a stylistic POV. That’s not saying there isn’t an “Alexander Payne style.” I just can’t see it. Maybe because his stuff is generally so subtle.
In other words, he’s not like some directors out there, who bust ass to make sure people know it’s one of his.
Maybe I’m just not seeing a throughline between “Election,”
I mean, besides people being slightly broken physically & incredibly crippled emotionally.
And ultimately, that’s okay. Maybe THAT’S the kinds of stories he wants to tell. I’ve honestly enjoyed everything I’ve ever seen. Maybe I just want to see more similarities between all of them.
Well, all this is simply foundation for what I’m about to reveal.
I watched Alexander Payne’s “The Descendants” tonight.
Once again, good shit. But I regret that all I could think about was how Shaggy
had sex with Clooney’s wife.
And Shaggy’s wife is actually the Sprint “Framily” wife.
And I’m not blaming this on Alexander Payne or anything. But at least when somebody like Wes Anderson recycles actors, I’m able to pull them away from roles they played before.
If anything, I’m just wanting Payne to use dreamy Sandra Oh more.
Man, am I behind the times. Apparently they were married. And have been divorced since 2006.
That’s a shame.
Well, none of that changes the fact that I regret being an actor who knows how this industry works, yet still can’t fathom what “Framily” sees in “SCL Punk.”
So, I’ve been rehearsing this Minnesota Fringe show lately.
I can’t even begin to describe what it’s actually about. In case you’re curious, here are the only two things you need to know about it:
• Cat cloning
• Cat handjobs
As well you should be, dreamsicle.
Anyhoo, we’ve been rehearsing in a church & I’m still surprised how many strange, random rooms I take Regret-A-Day inspiration from.
This men’s bathroom, for instance.
It’s tiny, it smells like a urinal cake drizzled in ball sweat & I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that a youth pastor had knocked off little boys in there.
And I’m talking recently.
I should also mention that it’s connected to the scariest, foot-stankiest, “Nightmare On Elm Street”-inspired gym I’ve ever witnessed.
Well, while taking a whiz in this sorrow closet, I stared deeply into THIS, which was located right above the toilet.
Uh-huh. I get the whole play on words they were going for.
See, call me a cranky, old cynic or a non-believer or whatever, but I’ve never attended a church where aiming to please was high on its list of priorities.
THE HOLY TRINITY TO-DO LIST:
1. Bore them to tears? Done.
2. Guilt trip like a mutherfucker? Check.
3. Make tax-free money hand over first?
But nothing on that list is really that regrettable. It’s so commonplace, nobody necessarily questions or debates it anymore. I mean, any haters know what’s coming if they do.
Well, I took a closer look at the sign over the crapper.
Somebody really, REALLY planned this thing out before picking up the red marker. This shit is meticulous.
And yet, the end result looks like it was created by a fucking dunce.
Which is where today’s regret takes us. I regret seeing stuff like this out in the real world. Things that are overwrought with needless work,
yet aren’t thought out or executed well at all.
Okay, so maybe I’m being too harsh on this. Nit-picky, if you will.
An overarching regret would be that this probably took them WAAAAAAAAAAAAY more time than it should’ve.
And there’s a possibility that this is their ONLY creative outlet.
Which they do shittily.
Which saddens me beyond belief.
I’m NOT crying, dammit. I have something in my eye.
lilpantt said: Flower beards is not a new trend It started in 1977.
I hear you. I’m not sure if I ever technically said that this is a “new trend,” per se. But regardless, trends have a way of being cyclical anyway. I guess my point is that if it started in ‘77, I sure as hell wish it hadn’t made a comeback.
As trends go, it’s probably my least favorite so far. I mean, besides Pet Rocks & fanny packs.