Regret-A-Day

Exactly what it sounds like. Life's full of regret. And I've made it my mission to post at least one per day. Join me, won't you?


Gimme Danger   Submit

DAY 1299

Look, I know EVERYBODY fucking loves bacon, alright?

image

Your fascination with bacon has been noted.

image

And noted

image

& noted

image

& noted

image

& noted

image

& noted

image

aaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd noted.

image

Just eat your damn bacon & stop talking about it, please.

image

I don’t care about the fucked-up ways you’ve been preparing it.

image

Or the CRAZY things you’ve eaten with bacon on them.

image

Bacon’s done. You can love it all you want, but please realize that it’s played the F out at this point. Has been for a long time, in fact.

Wanna know why?

How about THIS?

image

Yep. THAT Reebok. They’re making bacon now. You can have it shipped to your fucking HOUSE!

image

Oh, stick a sock in your dickhole, you spaz. 

Listen, as much as I admire the overall branding & copywriting going on here,

I regret that this is actually a thing. A shoe company manufacturing Goddamned bacon.

Harrumph. HARRUMPH, I say!

I didn’t get a “harrumph” outta’ that guy!

If you were blind to the fact that bacon had already jumped the shark, this, my bacon-loving friends, is your wake-up call.

I’ve read up on this, BTW. And I’m well aware of what they’re doing. Read up on it if you want. I’m not wasting any more words on this shit

Again, I’m done with everybody’s bacon boners.

Just eat your stupid bacon & shut up about it.

Next up? A guy walking the streets of Minneapolis in a hospital gown.

I’m not shitting you. I was at a red light when I noticed him slinking by.

You know, I was young & dumb once. In my 20s, I used to rock old pajama shirts. But again, young & dumb. I’ve never exactly been a fashion plate. But THIS guy?

He hasn’t actually escaped from a hospital (mental or otherwise). He’s clearly wearing shorts & sneakers. It was a conscious act on his part.

This is a guy who actually thought,
"You know what? I’m just gonna fucking wear THIS out in public."

His fucking friends showed up & were like, 
"Yeah, whatever. Hurry up, asshole. We’re gonna be late for ‘Sex Tape.’"

Like the aforementioned movie, there’s nothing funny about this shit. 

I regret that I saw it. And I regret that this - very much like Reebok Bacon - may actually catch on.

I simply ask that if you plan on wearing hospital gowns around town, don’t do it in the name of fashion. 

If you’re gonna go all “Titicut Follies,” be a man & go all the way.

Gracias.

D A Y  1 2 9 8

I owned a LOT of “book-and-record” sets.

All four GI Joe Adventure Teams 
Batman’s Man-Bat story with Neal Adams artwork
• Superman’s “City Under Siege" & "Alien Creatures
A goofy Spider-Man involving Draco the Dragon Man 
• The Incredible Hulk “At Bay
• An actually cool Spider-Man one featuring Man-Wolf 
• Captain America & Falcon fighting a dude named The Phoenix 
• Horror records with Frankenstein, Dracula & the Werewolf 

I’ll also admit to owning the LAMEST book-and-record ever, which followed the multi-colored adventures of a hologram superhero known as Holo-Man.

On the other end of the spectrum, I also owned this Man-Thing book-and-record called “Night Of The Laughing Dead.” 

Now, I’m not going into the who-came-first argument involving Man-Thing & Swamp Thing. There are a few points of view on the subject, but my favorite is HERE.

Let’s check off on a few horrifying details, shall we? This thing broaches such subjects as:

• Suicide (I repeat, suicide)
• Melancholy clowns
• Melancholy clown ghosts
• Creepy-ass music
• Pointed narrative at listener

• Man-Thing (DOY!)
• Oh, did I mention SUICIDE?

All of this amounted to a book-and-record that was one of the scariest stories I’d ever heard up to that point in my life. And yet, I didn’t listen to it once & simply put it away. I listened to it more than any book-and-record I owned.

Watching it now, I still remember just about every element of it, from the voice acting to specific panels. 

On one hand, I regret that technology has outgrown this kind of stuff. Yeah, there are audio books, but book-and-records were a different animal. There was something incredibly interactive about the experience. And these things helped me learn stuff I’d use for the rest of my life:

• How comics were read
• How a story was told
• How to do voices/impressions

And on the other hand, I regret that even if book-and-records were still around, they probably wouldn’t broach something nearly as wonderfully fucked-up as “Night Of The Laughing Dead.”

And lastly, I regret that the only one of these book-and-records I still own is fucking Holo-Man

*shiver*

DAY 1297

There are albums out there that bring back REALLY great memories.

image

As soon as you hear them, it’s like you’re immediately transported back to the first time you heard them. And let’s say things were going really well for you back then.

On the flip side, there are also albums that represent a not-so-great time in your life.

image

And as soon as you hear THEM, you’re in a funk, thinking about how they represent a low point in your past.

Well, I have a few of those. Albums I used to REALLY love, but ones that have been tainted by unfortunate events.

Anyhoo, I dropped by a yard sale today. Theirs, in fact.

image

Lots of fun, geeky stuff to sift through. As usual, I was drawn to CDs & comics. 

image

I was slightly proud of myself for coming away with only a few things. But one of the things I wound up buying was THIS album.

image

Yep. The second Edie Brickell & New Bohemians album

image

I should also point out that, yes, there was actually a SECOND Edie Brickell & New Bohemians album. It was the 1990 follow-up to THIS one:

image

What I Am" sound familiar? Good. Because that little single helped "Shooting Rubberbands" go double platinum back in ‘88.

Well, the same can’t be said about their sophomore effort.

image

It sold about 500,000. But I always felt it was a LOT stronger than “Shooting Rubberbands At The Stars.” 

image

Alright. So how does this apply to what I was talking about?

Ghost Of A Dog" was in my ex-wife’s collection. We listened to it so much, we basically had that thing memorized. And after we split up, this album (along with Tom Waits’ “Bone Machine”) became synonymous with a lot of horrible feelings I was struggling with at the time. 

image

Yeah, well. That was a long time ago.

For years, I’d see “Ghost Of A Dog” on CD racks & pass on buying it because of the emotional baggage associated with it. Too many painful memories wrapped up in that thing.

Then yesterday happened.

I actually bought it. Not sure why. I just saw it & bought it.

As soon as I slid it into my car’s CD player, I kind of braced myself for any unwanted emotions that could potentially flood over me.

But nothing happened.

I was able to enjoy this album for what it was, not what it used to represent. And I regret that I spent all these years apart from it for reasons that have no bearing on the here & now. 

D A Y  1 2 9 6

Here’s the thing. I actually WANT something like “Space Station 76” to be awesome & succeed. Seriously, I do.

And even though this is an early trailer, I regret the mixed feelings I have about it already.

I dig Patrick Wilson & even Jerry O’Connell. As far as director Jack Plotnick, I got nothing. If anything, there may be a saving grace in “Mr. Show” writer Michael Stoyanov being involved. Unfortunately, the IMDB page makes it look like it’s written by committee. 

Yeah, I can see what they’re going for. And sure, they seem to capture the look & feel. But if THESE are the best scenes to convey the idea of this thing, I already regret that it got greenlit.

And don’t hammer me with with the fact that there’s a completely different person editing the trailer. I’m well aware. That excuse doesn’t hold water for me. There are thousands of trailers out there that kick ass, even though some editor had his hands on it.

Maybe the editor was going for some kind of 1970’s trailer style. But even the trailer for “Logan’s Run" (which was actually released in 1976) held my interest more than this thing.

Here’s what it comes down to. The basic, retro history concept is pretty badass & I’d hate to see a premise so cool go to waste.

But we’ll see. I didn’t think “Guardians Of The Galaxy” looked good at first. And yet, here we are.

D A Y  1 2 9 5

Any geek worth his/her salt knows the story of the aborted DC movie, “Superman Lives.” It would’ve been a MASSIVE gamble, but quite possibly the meatiest superhero flick up to that point:

• Tim Burton directs
• Kevin Smith writes the screenplay
• Possible Batman cameo by Keaton

If they’d pulled this off, fanboys/fangirls would’ve been full for years on this geek buffet. It would’ve set a high bar. And as the above video can attest, all the wheels were in motion for this to become a reality.

Nic Cage mullet not taken into account, I regret the fact that we never got to see this thing. 

Go ahead & take a gander at the treatment by Kevin Smith HERE. Or if you’ve got the gumption, HERE’S his whole screenplay. Then I’ll get this ball rolling.

Okay, so you’ve got the potential radness of the following:

• Brainiac as the key villain
• “Death of Superman” storyline
• Cameos by Deadshot & L-Ron
• Metaphor of Wertham Act

But those are just the sprinkles. Some geeky stuff that could’ve made the actual film amazing, if you will.

Now, my friends, let’s take a look into an alternate future. A place that I call 1999-A, where the timeline splits into a divergent present day.

Here’s where we examine the long-term ramifications of a superhero film like this getting made. A timeline, where DC dominates live-action & puts Marvel out to pasture.

And here are a few movies that I see springing forth after the success of “Superman Lives” in 1999-A:

"The Flash" (2000)
After the success of “Titanic,” Leonardo DiCaprio takes on the role of Barry Allen. Villain: Mirror Master (Hugo Weaving).

- “Green Lantern” (2002)
DC makes a smart move by going the John Stewart route. Will Smith is GL & goes toe-to-toe with Sinestro (Jim Carrey).

- “The Flash: Speed Force” (2004)
Leo returns. Flash decides to pass the monicker on to Kid Flash (Shia LaBeouf) & retire. Then Professor Zoom (Bruce Willis) shows up.

- “Wonder Woman” (2006)
Based mostly on the “Gods & Mortals” limited series, Angelina Jolie is a powerful, badass WW in this. Villain: Ares (Sean Penn).

- “Aquaman” (2008)
Female fans of “10 Things I Hate About You” flock to see Heath Ledger. But geeks stay away. Villain: Black Manta (Danny Glover).

- “Justice League” (2010)
Based on Grant Morrison’s JLA run, including Martian Manhunter (The Rock) & Prometheus (Russell Crowe)Everyone reprises their roles.

- “Superman & The Legion Of Super-Heroes” (2012)
Keith Giffen pens this futuristic story that brings Darkseid (Tom Hardy) & Lobo (Vin Diesel) into a battle of epic proportions.

- “Green Lantern: Blackest Night” (2014)
DC follows this crossover storyline to the letter. Old GLs Hal, Guy & Kyle make rad cameos. Villain: Black Hand (Kevin Spacey). 

- “Animal Man” (2016)
Based on the success of “Justice League,” this quirky character/title from Morrison’s early days features Sam Rockwell as Animal Man. 

- “Justice League: Crisis On Infinite Earths” (2018)
A truncated version of the 12-issue series that’s sick with tons of geeky references & fanboy/girl Easter eggs. Directed by Peter Jackson.

- “Doom Patrol” (2020)
The Morrison winning streak continues. DC allows him to use his first 12 issues of the series as the basis. He also directs for the first time.

- “Justice League: Earth 2” (2022)
At the end of “Crisis,” Crime Syndicate is seen escaping Earth 2 before it’s destroyed. The rest is based on Morrison/Quitely’s limited series.

And that’s just the first 20 years or so.

Heavy on Morrison, I know. But I honestly think that DC would use the shit out of him if they dominated the industry.

You’ll also notice there aren’t any Batman movies on the list. In my 1999-A scenario, I see DC giving up on the character after “Batman & Robin,” relegating him to Justice League franchise appearances only.

Lastly, Marvel decides to forego the movie biz after the Roger Corman misstep “The Fantastic Four” in 1994, leaving DC more room to conquer.

So, that’s my take. It’s basically a real life version of “What If.” But, you know, from DC’s perspective.

Then again, if “ifs” & “buts” were candy & nuts, we’d all have a wonderful Christmas.

DAY 1294

Every once & a while, I find myself strolling into a Kmart.

image

Somehow I expect to find an inkling of the Kmart I used to know & love.

image

Okay, maybe that’s a little strong.

But Kmart was pretty much the only game in town back in the day. Something about that place really brings back great memories for me.

image

Alright. ENOUGH!

I’m talking about Coke Icees,

image

boxes of popcorn,

image

but not necessarily the shopping experience.

Anyhoo, I was in one today, looking for new white t’s. And I’ll start by saying that paying for plain white t-shirts is tantamount to paying for razor blades for me.

image

It’s the greatest scam perpetrated on the public. And I know they package t-shirts like they’re doing YOU a favor by buying them.

image

"Oh, look! USED to be only five in there. But now I’m getting SEVEN!"

image

And maybe that’s a bargain. I don’t know. I just think that they’re not only too expensive, but there are too damn many brands.

image

Okay, that’s not even my point anyway, so let’s move on.

Whenever I’m in ANY store, my internal compass always points me in the direction of the “Electronics” department.

image

Or as some Kmarts call it, the “M & V.” 

image

Well, I found myself dicking around in this sad maze of dying technology. And since I still buy stuff like this, I wound up in the music section.

image

Let me just say, they had EVERYTHING, from A

image

to Z.

image

Most of which was at rock-bottom prices.

image

If you’re looking for a good deal on 90’s washouts,

image

Kmart.

Needing to expand your new jack swing library on the cheap?

image

Kmart.

But if you’ve been waiting to snag Metallica’s “Black Album,”

image

stay away from Kmart. $17.99!?!?! STILL? Seriously?

But what really got me about Kmart’s M & V section was that I regret coming down with something I like to call “Brewster’s Palsy.”

image

In other words, seeing things that I SINCERELY don’t need, but feel like I should buy because there’s a good deal on them.

Here’s a good example:

image

I don’t like “Starsky & Hutch.” I never watched “Starsky & Hutch.” And yet, I felt like I should buy it because it was only $10. 

Here’s another example:

image

Do I NEED the complete series of “Ultraman?” Maybe. And at that price, why SHOULDN’T I own it? Well, because I don’t actually want it.

I feel like it’s a slippery slope. I’m afraid I’ll eventually be that fucked-up hoarder who talks to himself, wears tissue boxes for shoes & wanders Kmarts, buying ANYTHING he sees a good deal on.

image

Lastly, I regret seeing this as I was leaving.

image

On one hand, it was actually heart-warming, seeing a kid get excited about one of these damn things. Because I remember being excited about these little merry-go-rounds, too.

image

But she rode it three times. And she seemed too old for it. 

image

And ultimately, it made me sad because this filthy, half broken-down, depressing little hayride was probably the highlight of her day. And possibly her childhood.

POSTSCRIPT: I still wound up buying this.

image

D A Y  1 2 9 3

I don’t regret that Genesis eventually went in this sappy direction. It was an inevitability, really.

We’re talking about a band that had been putting out albums for nearly 20 years by 1986. A band that had survived:

• Members leaving
• Solo albums
• Personal grudges
• Changing music fads
• Prog rock backlash

They’d basically grown up together. And once you whittled this group down to three people - men who’d lived their entire lives in this band & were supporting wives, ex-wives & kids off nothing but their music - it kind of makes sense that they’d gone this direction by the mid-80’s.

In hindsight, anyway. I’m sure Genesis diehards had given up on them by now.

See, my first taste of Genesis was with “Abacab,” thanks to my best friend at the time. It was synthy, poppy, a little jarring & ultimately the perfect 1981 album. Especially if you were a pre-teen like me at the time, who didn’t know shit about Gabriel-era Genesis.

That being said, I’m not even regretting the album “In Too Deep” was off of. Okay, so I don’t actually own “Invisible Touch" (nor will I EVER), but take a quick gander at the track listing for this thing:

1. Invisible Touch
2. Tonight, Tonight, Tonight
3. Land Of Confusion
4. In Too Deep
5. Anything She Does
6. Domino
7. Throwing It All Away
8. The Brazilian

The ones I bolded? They were ALL top 10 in the Billboard charts. And might I add, ALL of them were within the top 5 when they were released.

Just so we’re clear, that’s five (count ‘em, FIVE) songs off an album with only eight tracks. 

WHO?

DOES?

THAT?

If your first answer was Genesis, you’re living in a fucking dream world. Michael Jackson, sure. But Genesis?!!? Not normally.

Okay, so what’s my point? It’s not that Genesis was a hit-making machine. They’d had a smattering of hits before this. 

I just regret that this pile of shit song has been in my head for the past 24 hours. Not “Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" or another of their horrible "Invisible Touch" hits. Not even some other latter-day Genesis song I actually like. "Mama,” for instance.

Nope. Fucking “In Too Deep.” It’s like being stuck in a bad 80’s movie.

DAY 1292

DC has spent a majority of its existence playing catch-up with Marvel.

image

The way history tells it, DC was the bigger kid on the playground for decades. But eventually, Marvel grew up & started horning in on the action, leaving DC to - for the most part - become Pepsi to Marvel’s Coke.

This horribly rendered, CGI garbage pretty much encapsulates it.

image

Notice I said “for the most part.” Although DC has trailed Marvel in the past, there HAVE been some noticeable exceptions.

Universe-altering stories that defined the word “crossover,”

image

reinventions of classic characters that shaped how we’d view them

image

& even genre-bending tales that gave birth to countless imitators.

image

And yet, none of these groundbreaking moves would’ve happened if DC hadn’t been busting ass to be as gritty & impactful as Marvel.

I’ve railed on DC’s domination in the animation realm before. I like to think it officially started in 1992 with one little cartoon:

image

It only lasted a mere three years, but it shaped everything they did from then on, blossoming into some seriously expansive shit for the DCU.

image

Well, even though they can lay claim to one my favorite live-action superhero debuts/sequels, 

image

they’ve always struggled to keep up with Marvel Studios’ massive lead in that arena.

image

Sure, there have been a few blumpkins in the past for Marvel,

image

but their latter-day victories FAR outshine their past failures.

And now that DC has stepped up & decided that it’s FINALLY time to compete & not put out flick after flick of pointless origin stories of characters even 2-year-olds know about, we arrive at today’s regret.

image

Great. The fucking Rock as “Shazam.”

You know what? I don’t really care.

And you know why? Because I don’t fucking care about “Shazam.” I’ll even misquote Max Landis by saying, “YOU don’t fucking care about ‘Shazam.’ Even if you think you do.”

image

Hell, I didn’t even care about him when I watched his live-action series in the 70’s.

image

Billy Batson’s expression on the left there? That was me.

So, do you really think my opinion would change now that we’re 30 years out from that pile?

image

That’s right, Moz. It hasn’t changed. 

Shazam (AKA Captain Marvel) is just a goody-two-shoes version of Supes to me.

image

Even though Grant Morrison did some fun stuff with this character in his JLA run, the ONLY interesting thing about Shazam is his arch-nemesis, Black Adam.

image

A character with about 1000x more depth & sincerity than Shazam EVER had, in my opinion. 

image

Surprise! Turns out, The Rock was campaigning to be THAT character, too. But now we’ve got him as Shazam. And I regret that this flick is in DC’s future.

Mainly because all I can see is this dude as Black Adam

image

& Shazam being played by the obvious choice.

image

Yeah, I know, I know. Nobody would cast Warburton as Shazam.

But every geek worth their salt knows that Shazam was originally modeled after THIS guy.

image

Yep. Fred “My Three Sons”/”Absent-Minded Professor”/”Double Indemnity” MacMurray. 

So, is Warburton REALLY that much of a stretch now?

And if you wanna use The Rock so badly, I can think of a couple of DCU characters he would bring his A-game to.

imageimage

And it’s not like I actually MADE these two images. I don’t have even these rudimentary of skills. The INTERNET is to blame!

So, here’s what I propose, DC. It’s from the heart because I’m one of your fading demographics & champions. 

Listen to the people from now on. Maybe even do a damn Google search like I did. Even the diehard Marvel geeks will see your movies.

image

But you need step this shit up. Soon.

Because a third-tier set of Marvel characters (that just about NOBODY outside of true geeks knows about) is getting ready to smoke your ass.

image

DAY 1291

Let me start by saying that I’m not much of a country fan. Although being from the South means that there are a few things that have seeped into my DNA.

This album, for instance.

image

Even though this was a staple of most Southern crackers’ record collections, I never actually owned it. However, I somehow know 90% of the songs on it.

image

Sad, but true, my friend. Not sure how. Blame it on:

• Rampant radio airplay
• “Couples Only” skates
• Friends who owned it

The point is that I still have a visceral reaction when I hear songs like “Ruby (Don’t Take Your Love To Town),”or “Lucille.” And don’t even get me started on ”She Believes In Me.” Total crytown. Not sure why.

And let’s not forget about THIS phenomenon:

image

I mean, a LOT of people make a big deal about the time Run DMC & Aerosmith teamed up.

image

But that’s fucking peanuts in my book.

When Rogers recorded Richie’s “Lady" (which was also produced by Richie), this was probably the most colossal step ANY two music genres had ever made. Or HAS ever made.*

I mean, the closest African-Americans got to country was THIS dude up to that point.

image

These two singer/songwriters legitimately dug each other, 

image

regardless of what their respective industries thought of it.

Okay, so I’m building up to something here.

image

Like many of you, I’ve been seeing that stupid Kenny Rogers Geico commercial a lot lately.

image

You know, the “Did You Know” about “The Gambler?” 

Well, I’ve been thinking about how much I hate this commercial. Mainly because the guy who says, ”Playing cards with Kenny Rogers gets old really fast,”

image

ISN’T ONE OF THE FUCKING CARD PLAYERS.

imageimage

I know, Neil deGrasse Tyson. It boggles even YOUR mind. Or are you rolling your eyes because this is a worthless thing to be upset about?

image

Alright, alright. There’s no need for THAT. Act like an adult, please.

image

Anyhoo, seeing that commercial obviously got me thinking about Kenny Rogers again. And after a little research, I found out that his potential fluke, “The Gambler” TV movie series,

image

didn’t just spawn ONE sequel.

image

It shit out a third (read as “turd”),

image

a fourth (read as “farth”)

image

& a fifth (read as “filth”).

image

Sure, that last one has Dixie Carter, “Law & Order” & Loni Anderson going for it, but dammit.

I guess I regret that something as one-note as “The Gambler” -

image

a song I actually used to like - would produce something this sad & drawn-out (with the possibility of a sixth one on the way).

image

Ugh. I’m just happy my all-time favorite Kenny Rogers song

image

never got this kind of half-assed treatment.

image

GODDAMMIT! 

* The Rogers/Richie combo also never spawned something as fucking horrible as THIS. 

image

Check & fucking mate, bitch.

D A Y  1 2 9 0

I often wonder if rock snobbery is nature or nurture. 

Every other post here on Regret-A-Day seems to be about my own rock snob qualities. I like to think I vent most of my snobbishness here & try my damnedest not to air my snobby laundry out in public. Well, as long as you discount yesterday’s regret.

Anyway, I was in a Band phase for a while. And although all their albums have a lot to offer, I never loved any as much as their self-titled debut.

The only reason I ever gave “The Band” an initial listen was because of my father.

He actually died when I was three months old, so I technically never knew him. But I spent a majority of my life surrounded what he left behind. Old clothes, everyday trinkets, a few recordings of his voice, home movies & a smattering of albums he owned.

I used to stare into the eyes of The Band on the front of an old cassette he used to own. 

• What kind of music is in here?
• Who are these dirty hoboes?
• Who calls themselves “The Band?”

Well, all of those questions were answered immediately upon my first listen. And a wave of sadness quickly buried me once I realized that the last person to play this cassette was my dead dad. But it definitely gave me a little bit of insight into what made him tick.

As I grew older, the High Fidelity phrase "It’s not what you’re like, it’s WHAT you like" stuck with me more & more as I thought about my father’s connection to this beat-up cassette tape that used to sit on our dinky stereo system.

I’ve spent most of my life living in the shadow of a man I never knew. A man I’ve learned about from older relatives, most of whom say I’m just like him, whether it’s the way I walk, talk or weird habits I’m not even aware of.

But there are some things I’ll never truly know. Like what bands he was REALLY into. Songs that he totally dug on. And if I got this damn rock snob gene from him.

In the end, I regret that I’ll never know any of this.  

D A Y  1 2 8 9

Those who weren’t teenagers in the 80’s may think this sounds like some old man talking, but I am one, so shut up. (Oh, and listen up.)

Back then, TV stations would actually go off the air at a certain time every night.

Honest to God. OFF the air. Like not-coming-back-on-until-6-am off the air. Believe it or not, there just wasn’t enough programming.

That’s where cable came in (which also ran the risk of going off the air after a given time). 

Then the USA Network came along with a late-night show that was kind of the vanguard of into-the-wee-hours programming called “Night Flight.” And whoever was in charge of the programming was my fucking idol.

They had four hours, starting at 11 pm to showcase stuff like:

Seldom-Seen Movies
Fantastic Planet,” Warhol films, “Ladies & Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains" & my first viewing of "Night Of The Living Dead."

• Non-MTV Videos
They had a series called “Take Off,” which linked certain videos with a theme like sex, violence, animation, etc.

• Underground Video Series
My favorite? An LA public access show called New Wave Theater, where I got my first glimpse of Fear, The Blasters, The Plugz, etc.

They also ventured into documentaries that my cracker ass had never seen. Enter “Another State Of Mind.” I must’ve seen this documentary at least a dozen times back in the day. Later on, I bought it & have watched it just as many times.

It features punk icons like Youth Of Today, Minor Threat & Social Distortion, among others.

Basically, THIS doc is why my friends & I wanted to start a band. And more specifically, a PUNK band. It was the reason we were straying away from our love of Pink Floyd & buying instruments to play this revved-up, angst-driven music.

Okay, well, that’s just the preamble.

I was at Highland Fest today & bumped into some guy at the Half Price Books tent. The conversation went a little something like this:

____________________________________________________________

SAM picks up 1990’s “Social Distortion” CD marked $2. Flips it over to look at the songs then puts it back.

PUNK DUNCE next to him (who’s wearing a GBH shirt, denim vest with punk patches all over [including a few Social Distortion ones] & spiked, blue hair to top it off) notices this.

PUNK DUNCE - You’re not gonna get that?
SAM - Not really. You want it?
PUNK DUNCE - No, man. I’ve owned that for years. You should buy it.
SAM - This is that latter-day Social Distortion? (quick gravelly singing) “Take away this ball & chain.”
PUNK DUNCE - Yeah. Fucking rules.
SAM - I like their earlier stuff more. Like “Mommy’s Little Monster?”

PUNK DUNCE stares for three agonizing beats. 

PUNK DUNCE - No, man. This is the one you need to start with.
SAM - I’m not really a big fan of rockabilly. 
PUNK DUNCE - This isn’t rockabilly. This is punk.
SAM - Or cowpunk or whatever.
PUNK DUNCE - This is straight-up punk, man.
SAM - Compared to “Mommy’s Little Monster,” this isn’t really punk.
PUNK DUNCE - I don’t know what “Mommy’s Little Monster” is, but this is really good.
SAM - Have you ever seen “Another State Of Mind?”

Crickets.

SAM - It’s a punk documentary with Social Distortion in it. You should check it out. Mike Ness is so skinny in it.

More crickets.

SAM (slowly walking away) - Good talking to you.

____________________________________________________________

Well, that’s pretty much how the conversation went anyway. 

And after a heated rock geek back & forth like that, I regret that there are people in this world who only go so deep with bands. Those people who buy one album, but won’t go back & do research into how awesome these bands were in the beginning.

But mostly, I regret that once again my snobiness got in the way of my geekiness. 

DAY 1288

I’ve seen most of Alexander Payne’s films.

For the record, I’ve dug what I’ve seen.

And I’m sure there are some film scholars who could pick out a Payne film with a name-this-director-in-one-scene quiz.

I couldn’t honestly tie any of his films together from a stylistic POV. That’s not saying there isn’t an “Alexander Payne style.” I just can’t see it. Maybe because his stuff is generally so subtle.

In other words, he’s not like some directors out there, who bust ass to make sure people know it’s one of his.

Maybe I’m just not seeing a throughline between “Election,”

"Sideways"

& “Nebraska.”

I mean, besides people being slightly broken physically & incredibly crippled emotionally.

And ultimately, that’s okay. Maybe THAT’S the kinds of stories he wants to tell. I’ve honestly enjoyed everything I’ve ever seen. Maybe I just want to see more similarities between all of them.

Well, all this is simply foundation for what I’m about to reveal.

I watched Alexander Payne’s “The Descendants” tonight.

Once again, good shit. But I regret that all I could think about was how Shaggy

had sex with Clooney’s wife.

And Shaggy’s wife is actually the Sprint “Framily” wife.

And I’m not blaming this on Alexander Payne or anything. But at least when somebody like Wes Anderson recycles actors, I’m able to pull them away from roles they played before.

If anything, I’m just wanting Payne to use dreamy Sandra Oh more.

Shit.

Man, am I behind the times. Apparently they were married. And have been divorced since 2006.

That’s a shame.

Well, none of that changes the fact that I regret being an actor who knows how this industry works, yet still can’t fathom what “Framily” sees in “SCL Punk.”

DAY 1287

So, I’ve been rehearsing this Minnesota Fringe show lately.

image

I can’t even begin to describe what it’s actually about. In case you’re curious, here are the only two things you need to know about it:

• Cat cloning
• Cat handjobs

image

As well you should be, dreamsicle.

Anyhoo, we’ve been rehearsing in a church & I’m still surprised how many strange, random rooms I take Regret-A-Day inspiration from. 

This men’s bathroom, for instance.

image

It’s tiny, it smells like a urinal cake drizzled in ball sweat & I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that a youth pastor had knocked off little boys in there. 

And I’m talking recently. 

image

I should also mention that it’s connected to the scariest, foot-stankiest, “Nightmare On Elm Street”-inspired gym I’ve ever witnessed.

image

Well, while taking a whiz in this sorrow closet, I stared deeply into THIS, which was located right above the toilet.

image

Uh-huh. I get the whole play on words they were going for.

image

See, call me a cranky, old cynic or a non-believer or whatever, but I’ve never attended a church where aiming to please was high on its list of priorities.

image

THE HOLY TRINITY TO-DO LIST:

1. Bore them to tears? Done. 

2. Guilt trip like a mutherfucker? Check.

3. Make tax-free money hand over first?

image

But nothing on that list is really that regrettable. It’s so commonplace, nobody necessarily questions or debates it anymore. I mean, any haters know what’s coming if they do.

image

Well, I took a closer look at the sign over the crapper.

image

Somebody really, REALLY planned this thing out before picking up the red marker. This shit is meticulous. 

image

And yet, the end result looks like it was created by a fucking dunce.

image

Which is where today’s regret takes us. I regret seeing stuff like this out in the real world. Things that are overwrought with needless work, 

image

yet aren’t thought out or executed well at all.

image

Okay, so maybe I’m being too harsh on this. Nit-picky, if you will.

An overarching regret would be that this probably took them WAAAAAAAAAAAAY more time than it should’ve.

image

And there’s a possibility that this is their ONLY creative outlet.

Which they do shittily.

Which saddens me beyond belief. 

image

I’m NOT crying, dammit. I have something in my eye.

D A Y  1 2 8 6

I have a hideously sick dark side. It’s one I don’t normally let out. But it’s there. Oh, man, is it there.

Cargo cults, serial killers, John Zorn, you name it.*

Anyway, I think everybody’s got that side of them. So, I’m not saying my fascination with this stuff is all that unique. Hell, most of the people I follow on Tumblr expose that side of themselves with every post.

Somehow I found this video that was put out by the always awesome AMOK Books from back in the day.

It’s NSFW. It’s violent. And best of all, it’s totally random. Or so it appears.

Well, I just watched the whole thing. And even though I sat here captivated by every second of it, I regret the feeling it gave me afterwards. Not so much sick as much as depressed in a way.

Especially the coup de grace at the end. Something I’ve heard about for years, but never actually seen: the broadcast of the Budd Dwyer suicide.**

Jesus. 

Mostly, I regret that I won’t be getting that image out of my head for a long time.

* The John Zorn thing was a joke. Although not a very good one.

** If you plan on watching this video, but don’t wanna see the Budd Dwyer thing, I advise stopping it around the 55:30 mark. You’ve been warned. 

lilpantt said: Flower beards is not a new trend It started in 1977.

I hear you. I’m not sure if I ever technically said that this is a “new trend,” per se. But regardless, trends have a way of being cyclical anyway. I guess my point is that if it started in ‘77, I sure as hell wish it hadn’t made a comeback.

As trends go, it’s probably my least favorite so far. I mean, besides Pet Rocks & fanny packs.