Regret-A-Day

Exactly what it sounds like. Life's full of regret. And I've made it my mission to post at least one per day. Join me, won't you?


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D A Y  1 2 0 3

So, I’m actually from Alabama. And regardless of what you might think about what goes on down there, let me clear up a few misconceptions.

On average, Alabamians do NOT:

• Fuck their cousins (or other relatives)
• Hate black people (or belong to the Klan)
• Eat dirt (yes, I’ve heard that one)
• Listen exclusively to Alabama (the band)

The first three on that list? Take them for what they are. Gross generalizations used to defend my upbringing. Again, I said “on average.”

The point is, I’ve gotten the top three many times over the course of my life. That fourth one though? Never. Just thought I’d clarify. Hell, most people outside of Alabama have never even heard of this band.

I mean, I’m not sure how many Kansas fans there are in Kansas or Boston fans there are in Boston. And I doubt anyone outside of an elementary school playground ever said the following to an out-of-town student,

"So, you’re from Chicago, huh? Who’s your favorite band? Chicago?"

Well, that’s all just icing on the cake, really. I’m posting this turd of a song to segue into the fact that I regret it’s been in my head for a few days now. 

On top of that, I also regret that:

• I honestly didn’t remember that this song was by Alabama
• I might’ve “couples skated” to it back in the day (more than once)
• The songwriter responsible never considered MY lyrical choice:

"Take me down & love me all night long,
Hold me close & suck my dong,
Take me down, take me down tonight.”

Sure, I also regret that THAT’S where my infantile mind went when I heard it for the first time, every time after that & even now in my head.

DAY 1202

I can’t think of a better way to level set this thing than starting with this.

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If you’ve spaced on the reference, it’s from “Blue Velvet.” And if you’ve never actually seen “Blue Velvet,” just stop reading now. I’m building up to something here.

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"Here’s to your fuck. Cheers."

I’ll be dropping science fast & loose, so prick up your ears, cholos. Here’s where we’re at:

• KENNETH, WHAT IS THE FREQUENCY?

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William Tager was an NBC stagehand, who thought NBC was penetrating his mind with their TV waves. He assaulted Dan Rather, repeating this phrase over & over, hoping that if he got the right TV frequency, he could stop the TV waves. REM used it as inspiration & Daniel Clowes wrote it into "Like A Velvet Glove Cast In Iron."

• THE APPEARANCE OF SOY BOMB

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It was the 1998 Grammy Awards. Bob Dylan starts a song & choreographer/performance artist Michael Portnoy interrupts with something no one expected. It was planned, but not the way that anybody but Portnoy expected.

• A FATHER HANGS UP A PHONE

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A father’s son is molested by a karate instructor. The kid is brought back safe, but as the karate instructor is walking back from sentencing, the father is waiting. He shoots the molester in front of cops. Then he hangs the phone up that he was pretending to talk on.

• I DON’T LIKE MONDAYS

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In 1979, Brenda Spencer fired shots into Cleveland Elementary School as she sat in her house across the street. Eight children injured, the principal & custodian killed. When captured & asked why she did it, she replied, “I don’t like Mondays.” It spawned a Boomtown Rats song.

• SHE TALKS IN MATHS

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While living in an efficiency in Southside Birmingham, I was woken up to the sounds of a woman screaming in the next apartment. I called the cops, who showed up & pulled her out. Apparently, she was off her meds. But I still remember all her ramblings being nothing but equations.

• THE COUSIN OF SUPERMAN

In the 1989 film “Roger & Me,” Moore documents the decay of Flint, Michigan. Workers who’ve been laid off succumb to odd behavior. One such worker thought he was the cousin of Superman, Captain Da. He roamed the streets of Flint in a cape, wielding a shotgun.

• THE HURRY UP TWINS

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David Lynch’s post-“Twin Peaks” comedy (?) about a 1950’s TV network was called “On The Air.” Not for Lynch newbies. They shot seven episodes, but it was cancelled after three. It eclipses “Twin Peaks” in bizarreness. Black Siamese twins made a cameo from time to time. 

Okay. Pencils down.

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These are all events or circumstances that share a common theme.

A similar pattern that pervades the inner workings of each experience. 

A metaphysical throughline of gratifying chaos that breaks up the normalcy of everyday life.

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I’m not talking about the violent or homicidal aspect of these events I’ve just gone through. I’m going granular here. 

There’s an all-too human side to what’s happening here. Both dark & uncomfortably humorous.

An elegant chaos. 

And I regret that there’s not more of it in this supposedly “strange world.” 

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"Now it’s dark."

D A Y  1 2 0 1

There could be a myriad of regrets here. But let me set the record straight right off the bat:

I DON’T regret the fact that the Muppets are hawking Toyotas.

They’re also peddling Lipton Tea, for Christ’s sake. And back in the day, Henson was doing NOTHING BUT prostituting himself for a buck.

So, that ain’t it. Good on the Muppets, I say.

On one hand, this spot is the perfect counterpoint to the boring, same-old, same-old car commercials. It sets it up right at the beginning:

ALL CAR COMMERCIALS ARE HORRIBLY ALIKE & BORING.

Then it smashes that convention. Which is why that above statement should really be amended:

ALL AMERICAN CAR COMMERCIALS ARE HORRIBLY ALIKE & BORING.

Since I’m in advertising, I tend to regret the fact that car commercials are the way they are. It’s a classic tale of following instead of leading in terms of messaging. And I HATE brands that simply follow.

On the other end of the spectrum, I regret that I’ve had “No Room For Boring” in my head for the past 24 hours. I also regret that I didn’t write it. Because it captures the Muppets’ brand & tone perfectly.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I need to look this up. I wonder if Paul Williams had a hand in writing it.

DAY 1200

Whoa. 1200 days. Who knew this goofy abortion could last this long? Or that I’d have this much to regret?

Although I guess there are a lot of mediocre/borderline fascinating things on Tumblr. Like Door Knob Girl.

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There are even horrible things on Tumblr. I’m referring, of course, to horrible-things.tumblr.com. Which isn’t actually as horrible as you might think.

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The fact that I’ve stuck to my guns amidst a sea of hyper sexualized fanaticism, 

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hyper sexualized cosplay,

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lazy attempts at comedy,

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lazy posting of “deep,” yet uninventive tweets,

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unnecessary Vines

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& unnecessary GIF sets

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isn’t exactly paramount to climbing Everest or anything, but going this long with such a threadbare concept makes me feel a sense of accomplishment.

In a very, very, VERY small way. Well, it keeps me going when I’m not writing for work or while trying to finish writing a book & two screenplays anyway.

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So, way back on DAY 1172 (AH, THOSE WERE MY SALAD DAYS), I realized my brain was mashing up two songs by definitively different artists.

Well, DAY 1200 is sadly more of the same. I regret that my brain has been doing the same thing all morning. Except instead of Kansas & Iglesias, it’s the following:

Deep Purple’s “Highway Star”
&
Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”

Fuck my life.

D A Y  1 1 9 9

This was originally gonna be about “It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown.” You know, in keeping with the season. But as I was looking it up, I ran across a few random DePatie-Freleng cartoons & switched gears.

And once I did a little more digging into DePatie-Freleng, it was like falling down a rabbit hole. They’re best known for the “Pink Panther" as well as the Ant & The Aardvark cartoons. But they also spit out a slew of 13-episode shows throughout the 70’s. 

Some cartoons I remember:
• Time For Timer (shorts)
• The Bod Squad (shorts)
• What’s New, Mr Magoo?
• The Barkleys

Some I really, really don’t:
• The Houndcats
• The Dogfather
• Hoot Kloot
• Tijuana Toads

I’ve had “The Oddball Couple’s” theme song in my head since it aired back in the 70’s. I can also hum a few bars of “Baggy Pants & The Nitwits.” 

And I guess the whole point to this is that I regret not being able to watch these particular cartoons again. You can get your hands on just about EVERY Hanna-Barbera or shitty Filmation cartoon, but DePatie-Freleng has been strangely overlooked.

The problem is that this studio’s sold its rights so many times:

DePatie-Freleng -> Marvel -> Saban -> Disney

There’s probably no way for ANY of these to ever see the light of day. And maybe that’s for the best. Like most stuff from my childhood, I doubt they’d hold up anyway.

Which seems to be an ongoing pattern here on R-A-D.

DAY 1198

I was out & about with the wife for her birthday today.*

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While she was in Crafty Planet, I decided to pop into a barber shop around the corner.

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And let me start by saying that I’ve been a fairly faithful barber shop patron since I was 5. 

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(That’s not me, but I was a notorious cryer until I was at least 6.)

To this day, I still believe the best haircuts come from barber shops, as opposed to some shitty chain.

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There’s something about the smell of an authentic barber shop that really takes me back. And It just can’t be replicated.

Well, there I am in this barber shop, hoping to time my cut with the wife getting out of the fabric store.

There was ONE GUY in the chair before me.

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And seeing as how he was older & had less hair, I figured, what, 10 minutes? Ummmmmm, no.

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The barber wouldn’t shut the fuck up, yakking away more than he bothered to cut this dude’s hair.

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And it went ON & FUCKING ON like this. To the point where I was left sitting there for nearly 20 minutes, eventually giving up on it when the wife showed up, wanting to know what the hold-up was.

Again, I’m not a barber shop novice. There’s a TON of gab that normally goes on in one of these places. I’m used to it. In fact, I’ve yet to find an Ed Crane behind a barber chair.**

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I mean, it made some brilliant cinema, but this was just lack of business sense. So, mostly I regret the fact that this barber was:

A) Completely oblivious to this shit
B) Not being called out by his regulars

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"Yeah, I just need one of those short, back & si - BLUGHHHH!"

* If you’re in the Twin Cities & haven’t dropped by Glam Doll Donuts yet, what the F are you waiting for?

** Also, if you claim to be a Coen Brothers fan, but have never seen “The Man Who Wasn’t There,” turn your card in at the door.

DAY 1197

As far as squeaky-clean, take-no-chances, one-hit wonder, 80’s bands go, I guess you could do worse than these buttholes.

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I never paid them much attention, really. Although I made it a point to switch off MTV whenever "Your Love" came on.

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Yeah, it was only 1985/86, but the 80’s were already waning for me at that point. I’d only discovered punk a few years earlier,

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meaning that anything in the Outfield vein seemed stale, dulled & ineffective.

It also didn’t strengthen top 40 radio’s case that THIS album veered into my field of vision in 1986.

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In other words, The Outfield & their pop-collared ilk didn’t really stand a chance at that point.

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Not saying I didn’t know “Your Love” like the back of my hand. It played on every TV or car stereo I wasn’t in control of.

Trust me, I was familiar. And still am.

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So, we’re in 2014 now. The future, which is coincidentally the present.

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Welcome.*

Today, I was in Jimmy John’s, which - if you’re not already familiar - isn’t exactly known for playing the best music while you eat. Well, a hearty Regret-A-Day No-Prize to anybody who can guess what was playing.

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Bingo.

And as I sat there, stuffing a Slim 1 down my gullet, I found this bullshit song impossible to ignore. Something suddenly sounded different about it. The vocals sounded updated or something.

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Again, this is a song that I’ve heard thousands of times. Like most pop drivel, my brain’s cataloged every vocalization, every drum fill, every lazy guitar riff. And those vocals weren’t the same.

So, I whipped THIS out,

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hoping it would pull up a live version of “Your Love.” Or maybe it was a cover, I don’t know. This COULDN’T be the original version, right?

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But somehow it was. 

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Same damn song from back in the day. But now with the altered vocals.

I checked the cyberwebs for confirmation,

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only to be met with the depressing fact that this song has been covered WAY too many times for my tastes.

Wait. What’s that?

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Okay, this was CLEARLY NOT an “electro-inspired version” I was listening to. But this dickhead had obviously rerecorded his vocals.

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So, here we are, ladies & germs.

I regret that I’ve done an entire, exhaustive post on a band as useless as the fucking Outfield.

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But more than that, I regret that this “alternate” version of “Your Love” - a song I can’t fucking stand in the first place - may go unexplained.

*Standard tip for your rocket mailman should be 48,000 quocknerts per month.**

**Quocknerts became the universal currency when Earth was nuked by the US Postal Service. The Postmaster General ruled with an iron fist & required all subjects to accept packages in exchange for quocknerts.***

***One quocknert = 1 million farleefars****

****Farleefars became the universal currency when Earth was nuked by a terrorist gang with Asperger’s. They were soon nuked by the USPS & charged 70 million quocknerts.*****

*****One farleefar = No monetary equivalent, since the Asperger’s terrorist group generally wanted Spree, Oreos & Laffy Taffy as payment. 

DAY 1196

In an alternate reality - within a divergent timeline, only a few vibrational clicks away from our own - McLean Stevenson never left M*A*S*H.

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Col. Blake was in every one of those 256 episodes. And in that universe, Stevenson requests that his character is killed off in the final episode.

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Kind of like his final episode three years into the run of M*A*S*H in our reality.

But the main difference is that by “1983-A,” McLean was never replaced, never missed &, more importantly, gainfully employed for a full 11 years on a series that kicked as much ass there as it did here.

Meaning THIS

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never came to pass.

But that’s all pixie dust, as they say. And we all know where pixie dust leads us, right?

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That’s right.

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Poor judgement,

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leading to bad, potentially embarrassing decisions.

Where am I going with this?

Okay, I have a vague memory of revealing this before, but the "Hello, Larry" theme is one of those things that never really leaves my head.  

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I actually know a few people who are reading this, while singing this goofy, faux Steely Dan-esque slice of theme song death right now.

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Don’t fight it. 

But why is that?

We’re talking about a show that was supposedly SO horrible, Johnny Carson used it as a punchline on more than one occasion.

A show supposedly SO awful, that TV Guide placed it at #12 on its "50 Worst Shows Of All Time." 

But I can think of one (if not THREE) reason(s) why I might’ve liked it:

1) KIM RICHARDS

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Should go without saying, but I had a huge crush at the time, ‘natch.

2) MEADOWLARK LEMON

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The Globetrotters hung the moon & stars as far as I was concerned.

And lastly,

3) THAT FAT GUY

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A given. He was always doing the bump with chics & eating stuff. 

None of these include McLean Stevenson, I’ll admit. And I guess I regret that he never seemed to get his due.

That “1983-A” McLean might’ve made out like a bandit, but the best he did after M*A*S*H was THIS, in my opinion.

BAM! “Cat From Outer Space.” 

And maybe that’s the most regrettable fact of them all.

DAY 1195

I’m obviously too old to appreciate the groundswell of dicksuckery that surrounds this show.

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I’m sure if I’d watched it during its original run, I would’ve sided with the crusty, old principal/teacher/whoever the hell William Daniels played.

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Then again, I had a bias against this show from the start. I fucking hate nepotism in all its forms. 

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I gave Fred Savage kudos for “The Wonder Years,” even though I was just a casual viewer. But when “Boy Meets World” came along, I’ll admit that I was fairly anti-Ben Savage. 

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Maybe it was the precociousness of this little turd that made me hate him. Although if we jump back into the nepotism arena, I guess you could totally blame Fred for getting this dick’s foot in the industry’s back door.

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Yep, look up Ben Savage on IMDB. First credit? “Little Monsters.”

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I don’t know. Maybe Howie Mandell had something to do with it.

My point is, “Boy Meets World” wasn’t exactly for me. Then again, it wasn’t necessarily aimed at my demo. So, no bigs, right?

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Well, get ready for the regret, ding-a-lings. A spin-off is about to drop.

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Yep. Cory & Tapioca* have kids now. And they’re probably about 10,000 times more precocious than Ben the nepotism spaz.

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Plus, in keeping with the regime of desperately vapid flunkies in their roster, it’s Disney. So, it’s probably written by the partially brain dead.

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Their zeitgeist is pop culture suicide. 

Now, let’s be clear. I’m not so much regretful about the existence of “Girl Meets World.”

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Yeah, it looks saccharine-soaked. And it’s aimed at mental midgets, but what do you expect? Consider the source material.

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No poet laureates were stepping up to write episodes or anything. Hell, it wasn’t even Sorkin. A bulk of it was probably written by a 15-year-old girl.

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What I regret is the fact that the “fans” of “Boy Meets World” are expecting this to be in keeping with the original somehow.

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Yeah-huh.

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These are actual adults.

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The problem is that “Boy Meets World” aired on ABC. Whereas THIS is pure Disney Channel. And sure, MAYBE it’s all equal if you calculate ABC’s horrible “TGIF” sentimentality into the formula.

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In other words, these BMW “fans” have turned into a latter-day version of ME from the 90’s (pictured here).

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But that’s not what I ultimately regret. 

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Ben the douche-trough supposedly got a nose job. Or should I say some kind of nose lengthening. And I regret that all the BMW “fans” won’t get this reference.

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DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP.

* Yeah, I know her fucking character’s name is Topanga, but I ask you, “Which name sounds more Goddamned ridiculous?”**

** HINT: The answer you’re looking for is Topanga.

D A Y  1 1 9 4

I have no idea if I’ve posted about EBN-OZN before, but we’re nearly 1200 days into this crap, so don’t harsh on me for repetition.

I owned this 45 back in the day & wore it the F out. (I’m assuming a young [yet slightly older than me] Trent Reznor had the same in his collection.)

Something about the chorus really spoke to me. The vocal effects maybe. I’ll admit, I thought the talky monologue was cheesy as fuck, even back then. And yeah, the video is equally cheesy & extremely dated, but the overall vibe of the song is still stands out as killer to me. 

After a little research, I found out that this was the very first single in the U.S. to be completely recorded on a computer. A Fairlight CMI, to be exact.

I also looked these guys up on Spotify today & I regret the fact that the entire album isn’t NEARLY as cool as this one song. Most of it barely has the same vibe. They do a cover of "Rockin’ Robin" that’s just fucking embarrassing.

I also regret that I bought their “Feeling Cavalier” album about a year ago on vinyl & now it looks like I’ll probably never play the damn thing.

I simply request that whoever reads this (& also has control of my estate) finds a way to have me buried with it. You know, for rock snob reasons.

D A Y  1 1 9 3

Wow. I’d COMPLETELY forgotten about “Bank Panic.” This fucking game was supertits. 

One joystick. Left, middle & right buttons. So simple. So addictive.

And hearing this guy’s review, I regret how much I didn’t actually know about this game, even though I may have played it hundreds of times back in the day.

• Those little lines over the doors symbolized queueing customers?
• The backs of customers showed which doors bandits would be?
• “Unfair” posters meant you could’ve waited & gotten more money?

Well, I’m glad I’m finding this out some 30 years later. A time when we can play WAY more complicated games on our phones, yet there’s not a single arcade around, much less one with “Bank Panic” in it.

*sigh*

DAY 1192 

This has been my go-to Steely Dan karaoke song for years.

It wouldn’t exactly be in my top 10 Dan song list,* but I’ll say this: it’s reliable. No matter which karaoke bar I hit, it’s always there waiting for me.

Well, I came across this little tidbit about "Deacon Blues" today.

And as a Steely Dan geek (as well as an Alabama native), I regret that I’ve been misinterpreting this lyric for years.

However, as an Auburn fan, it actually makes me fairly happy. 

* Anybody curious about my “top 10 Dans” simply needs to ask. It’s free of the standard hits & I guarantee it won’t be the ones you’d think.**

** It starts with "FM," which was technically released as single, but not exactly a “Reelin’ In The Years”-style hit or anything.***

*** I’m also talking the original version of “FM,” not the version with the sax solo outro.****

**** We’re already at four fucking asterisks, which obviously shows how much of a Steely Dan dork I am.

DAY 1191

Where’s the logic behind rioting when your team actually WINS?

I mean, I can see if they LOST. Like, "Fuck these assholes! I’m gonna shit in the street & wreck shit!"

"WOOOOOO! I did it all for the NOOKIE!"

"BLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHH!"

"Bein’ white fuggin’ RUUUUULEZZZZZ!"

I guess this kind of stupid shit is par for the course when it comes to these sub-mental U or M dumbfucks, but I just don’t get it.

It’s not the first time this has happened in Dinkytown. And I suppose it won’t be the last. Still, it’s beyond my level of comprehension. 

Maybe I regret the fact that I’ve never rioted. 

Admittedly, I never felt so strongly about something that I felt like it warranted it. I guess I was pretty pissed when they brought Superman back as those four idiots.

But I didn’t feel like damaging property. If anything, I felt pretty good about not falling for such a shitty marketing stunt. 

Maybe when they cancelled “Freaks & Geeks.”

Nah. I honestly can’t see that thing keeping up the momentum. Besides, it ended on a pretty sweet note. And it’s probably gained more love cancelled than it ever could’ve running its course.

Well, damn. Now I regret that I’m kind of jealous of those U of M turds.

"EAT PEPPER, HIPPIE!"

Okay, maybe not THAT jealous.

D A Y  1 1 9 0

I have several mantras about comedy. This one, however, is top shelf:

If there’s someone out there who you can’t seem to reach, they’re probably:

A) Completely humorless in the first place/don’t get “jokes”
OR
B) Someone who just found out they have something terminal.*

Enter the whole Rush Limbaugh vs. Stephen Colbert thing. Obviously this is in response to Colbert being tapped to take over Letterman’s chair on “Late Show” in 2015.

The cherry on top of this regret sundae would be the fact that SO MANY Conservatives are up in arms about something so fucking innocuous. 

But here’s a few sprinkles on said sundae (in keeping with the food analogy, since he’s a porking fatass):

• WHAT DOES RUSH THINK IS LEGITIMATELY FUNNY?
Gallagher? Some Christian-based comedian? I just wanna dig through his comedy record collection, which I’m sure has a healthy amount of Petra in it.

• IS RUSH EVEN AWARE OF LETTERMAN’S POLITICS?
O’Reilly got skewered by him & he obviously thinks Right Wingers are jokes, so why is Rush talking like “Late Show’s” seat is so precious. 

• IS RUSH STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE COLBERT IS REAL?
The “Colbert Report” Colbert, not ACTUAL Colbert. Cause it sounds like he thinks Colbert the character is what’s moving to “Late Show.”

• WHY DO CONSERVATIVES TURN EVERYTHING INTO A “WAR?”
Oh, right. They’re chucking fear at scared old people & nitwits. Well, I guess the tactic’s working, since the Second Coming’s happening any day now.

• HOW DOES LARRY LARDASS STILL HAVE A JOB?
I guess I can chalk that up to that last bullet point. Since at least four women found him attractive, I suppose this shit is inextricably linked. 

Okay. That’s all I’ve got on the subject.

But I’ll finish by saying this. If you’re in cahoots with the Right, feeling like something like THIS is valid in everyday life, I have a small request:

Stop whining, stop complaining & stop using the “destruction of America” as a catch-all sticking point. 

In other words, quit half-assing your stupidity. Go whole hog & bomb an abortion clinic or something. But SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

* Okay, so it’s not the most bulletproof mantra ever written, but A crosses off on a vast majority of dullards in this nutty world.**

** You could also include:
C) A jealous comedian who’s pissed that you’re funnier.

D A Y  1 1 8 9

Let it be said that I respect the SHIT out of what’s going on here, as unabashedly geeky as it is. Mainly because it IS so geeky. 

Seeing stuff like this makes me regret not pursuing choir. I was in Birmingham Boys Choir for a few years before my voice changed. Then I got involved in band & it just seemed like too much.

Wouldn’t have mattered anyway. The choir at my high school seemed like a haven for stuck-up rich kids.

But the overarching regret of seeing this is that I regret I was born in the wrong time. Or rather in a less geek-centric time than these days. 

This NEVER would’ve happened when I was the age to appreciate it. 

So, today’s lesson is this, kids:
Don’t take your cybernets & cellies & vid-yuh games for granted. Some of us had to grow INTO these things, rather than grow up with them.