DC has spent a majority of its existence playing catch-up with Marvel.
The way history tells it, DC was the bigger kid on the playground for decades. But eventually, Marvel grew up & started horning in on the action, leaving DC to - for the most part - become Pepsi to Marvel’s Coke.
This horribly rendered, CGI garbage pretty much encapsulates it.
Notice I said “for the most part.” Although DC has trailed Marvel in the past, there HAVE been some noticeable exceptions.
Universe-altering stories that defined the word “crossover,”
reinventions of classic characters that shaped how we’d view them
& even genre-bending tales that gave birth to countless imitators.
And yet, none of these groundbreaking moves would’ve happened if DC hadn’t been busting ass to be as gritty & impactful as Marvel.
I’ve railed on DC’s domination in the animation realm before. I like to think it officially started in 1992 with one little cartoon:
It only lasted a mere three years, but it shaped everything they did from then on, blossoming into some seriously expansive shit for the DCU.
Well, even though they can lay claim to one my favorite live-action superhero debuts/sequels,
they’ve always struggled to keep up with Marvel Studios’ massive lead in that arena.
Sure, there have been a few blumpkins in the past for Marvel,
but their latter-day victories FAR outshine their past failures.
And now that DC has stepped up & decided that it’s FINALLY time to compete & not put out flick after flick of pointless origin stories of characters even 2-year-olds know about, we arrive at today’s regret.
Great. The fucking Rock as “Shazam.”
You know what? I don’t really care.
And you know why? Because I don’t fucking care about “Shazam.” I’ll even misquote Max Landis by saying, “YOU don’t fucking care about ‘Shazam.’ Even if you think you do.”
Hell, I didn’t even care about him when I watched his live-action series in the 70’s.
Billy Batson’s expression on the left there? That was me.
So, do you really think my opinion would change now that we’re 30 years out from that pile?
That’s right, Moz. It hasn’t changed.
Shazam (AKA Captain Marvel) is just a goody-two-shoes version of Supes to me.
Even though Grant Morrison did some fun stuff with this character in his JLA run, the ONLY interesting thing about Shazam is his arch-nemesis, Black Adam.
A character with about 1000x more depth & sincerity than Shazam EVER had, in my opinion.
Surprise! Turns out, The Rock was campaigning to be THAT character, too. But now we’ve got him as Shazam. And I regret that this flick is in DC’s future.
Mainly because all I can see is this dude as Black Adam
& Shazam being played by the obvious choice.
Yeah, I know, I know. Nobody would cast Warburton as Shazam.
But every geek worth their salt knows that Shazam was originally modeled after THIS guy.
Yep. Fred “My Three Sons”/”Absent-Minded Professor”/”Double Indemnity” MacMurray.
So, is Warburton REALLY that much of a stretch now?
And if you wanna use The Rock so badly, I can think of a couple of DCU characters he would bring his A-game to.
And it’s not like I actually MADE these two images. I don’t have even these rudimentary of skills. The INTERNET is to blame!
So, here’s what I propose, DC. It’s from the heart because I’m one of your fading demographics & champions.
Listen to the people from now on. Maybe even do a damn Google search like I did. Even the diehard Marvel geeks will see your movies.
But you need step this shit up. Soon.
Because a third-tier set of Marvel characters (that just about NOBODY outside of true geeks knows about) is getting ready to smoke your ass.
Let me start by saying that I’m not much of a country fan. Although being from the South means that there are a few things that have seeped into my DNA.
This album, for instance.
Even though this was a staple of most Southern crackers’ record collections, I never actually owned it. However, I somehow know 90% of the songs on it.
Sad, but true, my friend. Not sure how. Blame it on:
• Rampant radio airplay
• “Couples Only” skates
• Friends who owned it
The point is that I still have a visceral reaction when I hear songs like “Ruby (Don’t Take Your Love To Town),”or “Lucille.” And don’t even get me started on ”She Believes In Me.” Total crytown. Not sure why.
And let’s not forget about THIS phenomenon:
I mean, a LOT of people make a big deal about the time Run DMC & Aerosmith teamed up.
But that’s fucking peanuts in my book.
When Rogers recorded Richie’s “Lady" (which was also produced by Richie), this was probably the most colossal step ANY two music genres had ever made. Or HAS ever made.*
I mean, the closest African-Americans got to country was THIS dude up to that point.
These two singer/songwriters legitimately dug each other,
regardless of what their respective industries thought of it.
Okay, so I’m building up to something here.
Like many of you, I’ve been seeing that stupid Kenny Rogers Geico commercial a lot lately.
You know, the “Did You Know” about “The Gambler?”
Well, I’ve been thinking about how much I hate this commercial. Mainly because the guy who says, ”Playing cards with Kenny Rogers gets old really fast,”
ISN’T ONE OF THE FUCKING CARD PLAYERS.
I know, Neil deGrasse Tyson. It boggles even YOUR mind. Or are you rolling your eyes because this is a worthless thing to be upset about?
Alright, alright. There’s no need for THAT. Act like an adult, please.
Anyhoo, seeing that commercial obviously got me thinking about Kenny Rogers again. And after a little research, I found out that his potential fluke, “The Gambler” TV movie series,
didn’t just spawn ONE sequel.
It shit out a third (read as “turd”),
a fourth (read as “farth”)
& a fifth (read as “filth”).
Sure, that last one has Dixie Carter, “Law & Order” & Loni Anderson going for it, but dammit.
I guess I regret that something as one-note as “The Gambler” -
a song I actually used to like - would produce something this sad & drawn-out (with the possibility of a sixth one on the way).
Ugh. I’m just happy my all-time favorite Kenny Rogers song
never got this kind of half-assed treatment.
* The Rogers/Richie combo also never spawned something as fucking horrible as THIS.
Check & fucking mate, bitch.
I’ve seen most of Alexander Payne’s films.
For the record, I’ve dug what I’ve seen.
And I’m sure there are some film scholars who could pick out a Payne film with a name-this-director-in-one-scene quiz.
I couldn’t honestly tie any of his films together from a stylistic POV. That’s not saying there isn’t an “Alexander Payne style.” I just can’t see it. Maybe because his stuff is generally so subtle.
In other words, he’s not like some directors out there, who bust ass to make sure people know it’s one of his.
Maybe I’m just not seeing a throughline between “Election,”
I mean, besides people being slightly broken physically & incredibly crippled emotionally.
And ultimately, that’s okay. Maybe THAT’S the kinds of stories he wants to tell. I’ve honestly enjoyed everything I’ve ever seen. Maybe I just want to see more similarities between all of them.
Well, all this is simply foundation for what I’m about to reveal.
I watched Alexander Payne’s “The Descendants” tonight.
Once again, good shit. But I regret that all I could think about was how Shaggy
had sex with Clooney’s wife.
And Shaggy’s wife is actually the Sprint “Framily” wife.
And I’m not blaming this on Alexander Payne or anything. But at least when somebody like Wes Anderson recycles actors, I’m able to pull them away from roles they played before.
If anything, I’m just wanting Payne to use dreamy Sandra Oh more.
Man, am I behind the times. Apparently they were married. And have been divorced since 2006.
That’s a shame.
Well, none of that changes the fact that I regret being an actor who knows how this industry works, yet still can’t fathom what “Framily” sees in “SCL Punk.”
So, I’ve been rehearsing this Minnesota Fringe show lately.
I can’t even begin to describe what it’s actually about. In case you’re curious, here are the only two things you need to know about it:
• Cat cloning
• Cat handjobs
As well you should be, dreamsicle.
Anyhoo, we’ve been rehearsing in a church & I’m still surprised how many strange, random rooms I take Regret-A-Day inspiration from.
This men’s bathroom, for instance.
It’s tiny, it smells like a urinal cake drizzled in ball sweat & I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that a youth pastor had knocked off little boys in there.
And I’m talking recently.
I should also mention that it’s connected to the scariest, foot-stankiest, “Nightmare On Elm Street”-inspired gym I’ve ever witnessed.
Well, while taking a whiz in this sorrow closet, I stared deeply into THIS, which was located right above the toilet.
Uh-huh. I get the whole play on words they were going for.
See, call me a cranky, old cynic or a non-believer or whatever, but I’ve never attended a church where aiming to please was high on its list of priorities.
THE HOLY TRINITY TO-DO LIST:
1. Bore them to tears? Done.
2. Guilt trip like a mutherfucker? Check.
3. Make tax-free money hand over first?
But nothing on that list is really that regrettable. It’s so commonplace, nobody necessarily questions or debates it anymore. I mean, any haters know what’s coming if they do.
Well, I took a closer look at the sign over the crapper.
Somebody really, REALLY planned this thing out before picking up the red marker. This shit is meticulous.
And yet, the end result looks like it was created by a fucking dunce.
Which is where today’s regret takes us. I regret seeing stuff like this out in the real world. Things that are overwrought with needless work,
yet aren’t thought out or executed well at all.
Okay, so maybe I’m being too harsh on this. Nit-picky, if you will.
An overarching regret would be that this probably took them WAAAAAAAAAAAAY more time than it should’ve.
And there’s a possibility that this is their ONLY creative outlet.
Which they do shittily.
Which saddens me beyond belief.
I’m NOT crying, dammit. I have something in my eye.
lilpantt said: Flower beards is not a new trend It started in 1977.
I hear you. I’m not sure if I ever technically said that this is a “new trend,” per se. But regardless, trends have a way of being cyclical anyway. I guess my point is that if it started in ‘77, I sure as hell wish it hadn’t made a comeback.
As trends go, it’s probably my least favorite so far. I mean, besides Pet Rocks & fanny packs.
Please. Fucking. Stop.
Stop with all the flower beards already. And stop saying it’s a “trend.”
For anybody who’s new to this, apparently hipsters tucking all manner of plant life into their beards is a thing that’s been catching on.
Not sure why or even how, but just Google “flower beards” & you’ll see what’s going down.
Look, it’s not lost on me how dreamy these hairy, hippy bastards are. I get it. And I’m not even gay.
But I tend to turn into John Milius when it comes to this kind of ridiculousness.
If your group goes one way, I go the other. I’m pure Zen Anarchist in that way.
In other words, “I’m just as God made me, sir.”
And this kind of bandwagon-jumping shit is why I regret when I see lemmings heading straight off the trend cliff.
Sound harsh? Alright, lemme give you a little context.
If any of these examples are lost on you, let’s jump forward in time.
The Tea Party movement?
All this shit seemed fairly innocent at first. And they all had a few things in common:
• They weren’t REALLY hurting anybody
• They attracted a group of brainless dullards
• They fizzled out soon enough
"So, what’s the harm with a fad or trend or whatever the fuck flowerbearding is anyway?" you may be asking.
I don’t know. Maybe nothing.
Maybe I’m WAY off-base in my thinking.
Maybe I should just grow my beard out & do the same.
Maybe I should take weightofhersound's advice & simply fuck off.
Zen Anarchist. Not much I can do here other than that.
As far as all the photos of these flowerbeards, let me frame it up like this. If this was a bunch of piss-stained, repugnant hobos doing it,
would you be so quick to follow them off the cliff?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t bother answering. Carry on for all I care.
Just don’t come crying to me during the height of bee season.
So, I’ve been tearing through this book lately.
Pretty stellar stuff. And as a rock geek, it really hits me where I live.
It’s chock full of brilliantly written interviews with the famous
& the infamous.
It’s crazy to me that Nick Kent flew to America early in his career to interview Lester Bangs in order to get some insight into rock writing.
And in the end, Kent developed a writing style that outshines Bangs by miles in my eyes.
Well, I’m nearing the end now with an interview with Shane MacGowan.
Like all of the stories in this book, Kent finds a way to find a fascinating juxtaposition between the rock star & the person underneath the persona. He cuts through the bullshit & reveals what all fans want.
Well, with MacGowan, it’s obviously a dark, dark journey.
For starters, I’ll admit that I’ve never been a Pogues fan.
Just never got into them. Listened to quite a bit over the years, but it never took for some reason.
And even before reading Kent’s interview with MacGowan, I was aware of his legend as a pre-1977 punk scenester
& as the frontman for the Nipple Erectors. Hell, I even own this album.
But ultimately, even the Nips left me cold. Just didn’t do anything for me. Which is why I regret what I read in Kent’s MacGowan interview:
See that last line there? Regardless of how little love I have for MacGowan & his musical misadventures, I regret that his 20-minute acid house track never got recorded.
Sure, it probably would’ve been worse than a Happy Mondays concert,
but I don’t care. There’s something really enticing about the idea, especially if you consider the musical territory the Pogues normally tread upon.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the best. Like the cult of MacGowan,
the idea of it’s probably better than the actual execution.
I live about 10 minutes from this fucked-up behemoth of consumerism.
The wife & I haven’t been there in a while, thankfully. However, she agreed to buy me a few belated birthday presents, so it seemed like the place to go.
The toughest part about this nutty joint is that no matter where you want to go, you’re usually stuck behind the fat, old, feeble minded
or a combination platter of all three.
But in the end, I got some new jeans, a couple of shirts & reading material that I plan to use as fuel for three new writing projects.
Before all that though, I wound up in a place I generally try not to enter.
That’s right. No particular reason why I wound up there. Just killing time. And that’s when I remembered that they had stuff like THIS.
Seems like the last time I was in one of these places, they had a smattering of vinyl, but they seem to have gotten more skin in the game since then.
And that’s cool, I guess. However, I regret how much boss shit I found there.
Seriously? Are any of the vapid teenfucks who shop here even AWARE of The Smiths?
Even if they were, would they have the kind of cash flow to drop on The Smiths’ entire catalog?
I honestly have no idea who’s stocking this stuff, but there’s a massive disconnect going on with their demographic here.
The Numero Group’s archival sets are holy grails to me. Hell, their “Eccentric Soul" series alone is fucking gold.
And UO was overflowing with this amazing shit.
The single for “Is It Because I’m Black" alone is worth more than Urban Outfitters stock.
The fucking Upsetters? At Urban Outfitters? Really?
Soul Jazz Studio One comps? Seriously?
Okay, now you’re fucking killing me.
So basically, I walked around this hellhole like Pavlov’s dog. Even when I found out they had THIS section:
I guess what I regret most is that there are honest-to-God record stores in this town struggling to keep the lights on.
And the fact that I probably won’t be darkening UO’s door when this shit goes on clearance.
Oh, yeah. Toss out all your Imagine Dragons imports, kids. Just think. You could’ve been listening to Os Mutantes this whole time.
Way to bet on the wrong horse.
At the age of 13, I found myself in a bit of a quandary.
(This isn’t me, BTW.)
I felt like I was at that weird age, where I should shirk every kid habit I had & start being an adult.
(Still not me.)
No idea why I thought this way at that age. I sure as hell didn’t ACT older. But I figured things like cartoons, novelty records, comics & action figures were too babyish for me.
I figured I was heading into 6th grade & a new school with no friends, so it was as good a time as any to reinvent myself.
It didn’t really work out the way I expected. Besides being chastised for wearing my new Vans without socks,
(You guessed it. Not me either.)
I didn’t feel any different once I moved into this new world. Which meant that when stuff like THIS started appearing,
I was back at a crossroads. I’d already slipped back into my old habits when a particular Marvel title hit the stands.
So, I saw no need to really desert my childhood or my geeky ways.
Needless to say, most of the self-imposed rules fell by the wayside. Except for one aspect.
Those Goddamned toys.
By the time I’d collected a few of those Masters Of The Universe figures, they’d turned into a symbol of my shame spiral.
Maybe it was the overly muscly way they were built. I mean, I’d never had this problem with Star Wars figures.
But mostly it was because I’d made my mind up that I was just too old for toys. And ultimately, the He-Man guilt became too much for me, so I stopped collecting & sold them at a garage sale.
Or maybe I gave them to one of my younger cousins. I don’t know. The point is, I’d made my peace with getting rid of them.
Fast-forward to today’s regret. I don’t think I was ever aware of the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons figures until today.
I have a vague recollection of THIS guy,
Maybe I missed out on this because I’d had a bad experience with D&D, but this shit was TOTALLY under my radar.
I would’ve bought the SHIT out of something like THIS.
Or even THIS.
So, there we are. Once again, I regret not owning a set of toys from my childhood.
Fuck YOU, asshole.