I regret BIG Sexy.

And I’m not talking about the TLC show that nobody’s ever heard of.

Or the half dozen bands that share the same name that nobody’s ever heard of.

I’m talking about the Twin Cities cover band called BIG Sexy (The word “big” being intentionally capitalized for some reason.)

Now, let me start by saying that I’ve been in an assload of cover bands. So, I’m not harshing on what BIG Sexy is going after. Take a look at their partial setlist:

This is par for the course in terms of a cover band’s ADD DNA. Because they’re required by design to be all things to all crowds, depending on where their gig is. 

Whoa. Looks like a celebration from Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery.”

Along the same lines, I don’t regret the fact that the description for BIG Sexy is a schizophrenic combination of genres that just shouldn’t be combined by law.

Yup. They’re the headliner. 

So, it’s got nothing to do with them being your run-of-the-mill gigging band. I’ve never even heard these people before. I don’t have to! They’re a cover band!

And Hell, they’ve got a female drummer, for Christ’s sake! Which goes a LONG WAY in my book.

It’s not about ANY of that. Here’s what it comes down to: Their FUCKING NAME.

Take the TLC show or the other bands I mentioned at the beginning of this thing. Google “big sexy” & you’ll find much worse, I’m sure.

Oh, great. They’re also known as Makeshift, yet another pedestrian attempt at not sounding unimaginative.

Look, I’ve bitched about this kind of shit before. Bands with little or no imagination. The thing is, some of the most interesting bands in the world have so-so names. Or names with little or nothing going for them. 

So, here’s the deal, BIG Sexy. I’m offering up some band name greatest hits from Twin Cities theater sensei, Zach Curtis.

(File Photo)

He’s been collecting them for years. And most are just strange enough to take your band from troposphere to the exosphere. (That’s right. I said EXOSPHERE!)

Here are some of my faves:

- Tiny Thchotchkes

- One Time Gladys

- The Dopple Peepers

- Khaki Yamaka

- Culprit Pussies

- Venti Confused

- Happy Cratchits

- Bigoted Vinegar

- Lush Rump

- Exotic Gourds

- The Boozindarts

- Vic Morrow’s Killer

And that’s just a smattering of potential game-changers for you, BIG Sexy. It’s time to enter the big leagues (or upper atmosphere, in order to keep the earlier analogy going).

I’m also tossing in some much-needed inspiration from the mind of Jello Biafra from the Dead Kennedys.

They’re band names from his spoken word album “No More Cocoons,” where he lists off 95 band names that are too good to be true (although a number of them have already been taken). Do what thou wilt:

http://rateyourmusic.com/list/JohnBuckWLD/jello_biafras_new_and_improved_names_for_bands__he_writes_em_down__why_dont_you_/

But whatever you choose, PLEASE CHOOSE SOMETHING. You’re killing me.